cold and precipitating

I've stayed up beyond late for the second time in a week. I've been trying to sleep for over an hour and a half, now, but nothing's working. My mind is too crowded with memories for that. From HS.3--when I was at college doing my senior year after skipping junior, of my friends then, or at least, some of the people I spent a lot of my time with.... Maybe I miss them a little?

And of that guy who was always hanging out in that shade of that tree behind the language department with that teacher of mine, the one who said I irked him, that I shouldn't walk around looking worried because I was just sunshine and warmth anyway ; that's what the teacher said, but the boy I always wanted to talk to more and always wanted to know more about--like why he'd say something as absurd to me as "ich du liebst" and then why he'd say it and then walk off somewhere... For years and years I still daydreamt of running into him somewhere on this planet of ours.

Skipping class for mini-golf or going to the lake ; working at the movie theatre ; backstage at the college theatre ; summer plays in Ashland ; chicken nuggets at the campus cafeteria ; my campaign and term as a shared governance officer ; passing around game programs on our calculators in calculus ; virtually always having somewhere to be, or someone to be being with, always something to do ; usw....

Those are my "high school" memories, mostly. I have others from the time I was actually at the high school, and others from when I was in ninth grade at the middle school in Arizona... but those aren't really what I think of when I think of "high school"... I think that's why I can never really feel satisfied or enjoy myself unless I'm crazy busy. Because that's how I was allowed to be, then...

I feel a little nostalgic about those memories, and a little sad that I don't know any of those people any more. That they don't know me. It makes me wonder if I'm worth knowing now, if I was worth it then or only imagined it all. But also when I think back, I sometimes have the sense of losing something I never actually had--I mean, I can hardly remember ppls' faces, just something like their energy signatures. It all sounds so much better than it was with a little distance... Just how distant am I, now, and in what direction?

I want to be warm and shiny--like the sunshine I supposedly was anyway--and be satisfied enough to enjoy it myself, by myself. I wonder if I'll ever reach that level. What does the future have in store for me? Will the future ever wash away these pasts? Maybe if I can get to sleep I'll find an answer...
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Stephanie

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