sjcarpediem: (Default)
( Apr. 12th, 2011 09:53 pm)
Partly cloudy, 11C (7C)

There seems to be various butthurt surrounding me. Contract/schedule/whatnot is still in flux/not totally determined/could be headed for serious revision ; and classes have already started. Let's see how this goes...

In other news, I forgot to mention the fragment of dream I had wherein I dropped my cellphone and it kind of split/shattered apart and some strange goo oozed through the keypad and rendered it useless. I was gutted... good thing it was a dream.

Here's to hoping for better dreams tonight, and a good tomorrow...

P.S. don't even try to spew that shit about Japanese "preparedness" at me. Schmucks.

Also happy sesquicentennial of the Civil War, o muddled-up country of mine.

P.P.S. Meh, my un and pw for registering officially for graduate school aren't working. Meh.
Partly sunny, 9C (2C)

I woke up a little before 4AM from some crazy-ass unpleasant dream about a post-apocalyptic, steam-punk outlaw pirate and his most unsavoury sexual preferences involving the raping of children and exhibitionist murder and wine made from their bile. That is just gross. Gross, I tell you.

And [needless to say] I couldn't get back to sleep.

So at 05h30 I just gave up. It's been an alright morning and I've got some time before I should leave--can't get to the office too early...

Another earthquake yesterday, this time I was at one of my schools (recently rennovated, good riders!) just finishing a planning meeting there. My coworker there seems really emotional. But maybe it'll be okay.

Hmmm... what else, what else..? Oh! I think I've just about got my head back on straight. That boi is not going to call, I don't think, and that's probably for the best. I don't need bois! I don't want bois! Okay, maybe I do want them ; but I don't need them, and this is the point.

I should just focus on work and study. Hm-hm //vigorous nodding Especially since I just paid for Module 1 (ouch!)... And the new school year is starting Any Minute Now and because of poor planning/management I'm going to be utterly SWAMPED with organizing/coordinating/administrating for the next four weeks at least.

But I'm still going to the [new]teachers' beginning-of-the-year drinking party at probably all of my schools... ppl matter, relationships are important, etc. Gah... I just wish I didn't have to do it so many times over--and on the same paycheck that I paid tuition with. This month is going to be tight...

In other news, the state of my body is pissing me off, again, but I'm not starting round three for another 2.5 weeks/after my next glorification of womanhood/thereabouts. Grrr... Body!hate. I really hope the next round goes smashingly. Positively smashingly. I think I might cry if it doesn't and I get trapped going through two presets, a poorly-timed planned interruption, and a supply-train/life malfunction like the last time and don't shed at least 20kilos for my trouble. 20kilos isn't going to happen in one round, though... But I'd like it to be close to that..! :-D At least enough to get rid of what I've regained from my LSW plus.... hmm... 10kilos. I'll call that a win.

Anyway, it's prolly time to go.
sjcarpediem: (Default)
( Jan. 7th, 2011 12:33 am)
Snowing, 2C (-6C)

My fuel bill for heating this past month was ridiculously huge--higher than my fuel bill for cooling in the summer. Gah.

I'm going through some sort of phase... This will all come to a head and be over, necessarily, by the end of the week. It will probably be unpleasant. But, then again, maybe it won't...

In related news, I'm having significant trouble bringing myself to care enough about cleaning up after myself to actually do it.

Anyway.

I meant to write about my dream before I left the apartment this morning. Now it seems less imperative to share. But I will.

At any rate, I was in Tokyo, at my new job, and became involved in some kind of alternate reality and basically ended up quitting my job and graduate school (imagine I officially got in at last and could manage to pay for it...) while asleep, but I wasn't actually asleep because I actually did quit these things and showed up to them once I was awake again only to find that I'd quit. Except while I was quitting (that is, asleep), it was definitely daylight out--I remembered quitting as some kind of dream--but the "next morning" when I went in to work I had been up and doing things accountably since just barely after dawn, so I'd personally witnessed all of the day's daylight hours and there hadn't been 24 hours between quitting and waking... This daylight trick was how I became aware of the "alternate reality" that wasn't entirely alternate since I was out of a job while awake, now, as well.

I was very confused, standing at the head of a table in some planning meeting having this all explained to me (that I'd quit already, why was I there?) when I woke up.

So, yeah.

Maybe I'll get to bed early tonight... or early-ish?

I hope there's no ice between here and the train station, tomorrow.
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sjcarpediem: (Default)
( Jan. 3rd, 2011 11:38 am)
Partly sunny, 5C (7C)

I'm still in Shiga. Perhaps this is not surprising.

I think going out of town the week before a move is a good break for me--but, this time... well, I'm still moody and pissy and not looking forward to having to learn fucking Tokyo. I find myself thinking things like, "this job had better be worth it!" which is both foolish and naive. No job is worth it. I have to makerebuild a [whole] life that's worth it and obviously because I'm (a) not a trust-fund baby and (b) was raised with a sense of responsibility for being productive work is always going to be a part of that life but no work alone is worth the frustration and irritation (and agony? Oh, dramatics!) of moving and making a life somewhere else. It's expensive, it's exhausting, it tries you in ways you don't want to be tried, etc... I should know!

Which is all to say I woke up feeling like a mopey little bitch this morning and am now questioning even more strongly whether I can really get everything done in time (of course I will--there's no choice not to...) and want to just curl up with some anime and be happily stimulated in my mind and numb to the world and it's tribulations around me. In fact, this urge is so strong that--for the moment, at least--this is exactly the plan after I get just a few (but nowhere near all!) of my to-dos for today done. Just a few, and then I'm taking a break from this ; or I'll break, and it's nowhere near time for that (yes, there is a time for that--growing a bit involves breaking a bit, duh). I'll deal with the rest of the day when it comes--right now I'll focus on the next five minutes. God help me.

Also, my body is still so full of food and I'm not really enjoying it. It's okay, body! Starting today we're eating sanely again! I promise! It'll get better! Just hang in and process! ( <-- anthem of my life... )

Oh, yeah, my dream :

I was in a building which was a lot like my high school building, only it was four stories high instead of two, and it was a hospital instead of a high school. I was part of a radical group trying to secure some basic human right. Some totalitarian government had surrounded the place and was laying siege to it, without breaking the glass (which was perhaps the most disturbing part). Then there was a lull in the pressure as they were preparing an insurgence with special forces that were being planted inside, amongst us, within that lull. I was part of some underground/intelligence agency within the radical group. I found out about someone on the outside that might be able to save me and my sister-not-my-sister-maybe-just-some-younger-member-I-was-close-to-or-whatever.

The dream was mostly our slow, long walk through the daylight streaming into the hall on the fourth floor, down the four flights of stairs, through our family-in-arms, through the marauding "foreign" [home!] army, and to a deli in the dusk-darkened corner of a rice paddy where the man who owned it made good sandwiches and sold train tickets to dissidents like myself. We went to the train station and found our sleeper train--it was one of the ones I'd used in Europe, with the split levels and viewing points.

I remember it was kinshi to speak--we'd be found out by any language we used and my voice. I had to look forward with a calm expression, but couldn't look anyone in the eye because the color would give us away. Talk about exercises in avoidance. And even on the train, our compartment was shared with two members of the fighting group that had been at the school-cum-hospital, so we still could hardly breath. Not that anyone in that army was actually violent towards any of us--it was just the principle of the matter. I lay down on the bed, my little-whatever on the bunk above me and just as I closed my eyes in the dream I opened them in life. My hair still smells like the shampoo from the onsen.
Partly sunny, 7C (6C)

Oh! A dream I wanted to write about! :

So I dreamt I was in a shopping store (mostly groceries, but some other stuff--like a Japanese western-style delicatessen, really) and the meat counter were giving demonstrations. Some of the meats they were displaying reminded me strongly of Okinawan roast pork. One member of the crowd was eating a cow's head (the skull had been pickled-roasted or something so it was like spongy cartilage) sawed in half (it was kind of white and yellowy- yellow-greeny, he was taking bites from the nose end) and I was going to try a little piece of fox-head (they meat coutner were trying to give the whole head away, but nobody wanted it and I thought I'd try a bit before accepting the whole thing)--a little prism cut out from the forehead so there was skin, fat, bone-turned-spongy-cartilage and brain and I put it in my mouth and just when I was about to "taste" it I woke up. But I get the impression it was quite tasty...

The meat vendors had given out some other samples of pickled meats (? but not head cheese...) and those had "tasted" pretty good ...

I don't usually dream about food, and this one was all about unusual food, stuff I hadn't ever seen or even heard of before

Usually I wake up groggy, but I woke up alert like it was the middle of the day--and after only 5hrs of sleep.

This has been my first memorable dream in a while, so I wanted to share. Also, it's pretty strange for me!
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sjcarpediem: (Default)
( Sep. 25th, 2010 09:36 am)
Mostly cloudy, 22C (20C)

I had a dream that I was living in the math building at Tulane (with my mother), and it burned down because my best friend was smoking a cigarette and didn't put it out completely, and I lost -everything-.
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( Jun. 3rd, 2010 10:12 pm)
Mostly clear, 21C (20C)

My dreams this morning were all pretty random and spasmodic, but pleasantly so. So that's good. It's been a long, long time since I've had such lighthearted and whimsical dreams.
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sjcarpediem: (Default)
( Jun. 2nd, 2010 11:58 pm)
Mostly clear, 16C (17C)

I had a bad dream. It wasn't bad enough to be a nightmare, but it wasn't good enough to be indifferent so I'll say it was bad. I'll guess it's environmentally/stress induced. It was pretty incredible. I woke up, late, right in the middle of it, so it stayed with my groggy self for longer than dreams usually do. Maybe it would be a nightmare to some people, but it all seemed horrifically normal and predictable to me. This is mildly surprising. I'm glad it's over--at least the slumbering part.

As a kind of therapy I've entered a raffle. Last year I entered this same raffle and all kinds of issues were brought to the fore because of my involvement with it. I've thought about that and the underlying reasons a bit since then. Entering again is rather like a test. Now I shall put it out of my mind and see what happens. I hope only things that I can immediately recognize as good...

Some more details are emerging about what the future in my job might look like--but not really enough. For example ; I now know what the various ranks are paid and how they are defined, but I don't know what my rank in the company would be. Who the hell knows. I'm kindof tired and kindof fed up but also kindof out of ideas and a little too apathetic. Part of me insists it'll all be fine, the other part wonders how the hell that's going to happen.... you see the conflict, I suppose.

Speaking of work, I was magnificently unproductive today during my four-hour lull in teaching--I read wikipedia articles on figures of Sengoku-jidai. Fantastic stuff. I've been rather encouraged lately, as I'm getting more and more of the jokes and references in the anime I watch. This was one of the things I mentioned wanting to acquire in terms of cultural and linguistic literacy that I figured I wasn't going to get in Kawanoe. Freakishly enough, the source for this--anime and cetera were equally available to me in Kawanoe ; I just never accessed them there. But now that I'm in a city it seems wholly more appropriate and becoming to feed my curiosity in these matters. Either way, I'm happy in this one little sphere, at least.

I made reservations at the old samurai house this morning for Kanazawa in July. It was terribly exciting and I'm terribly excited about it all! Thank God for small miracles--like ppl painlessly prodding. Now I have something to look forward to, and I need that. For a healthy change in pace I'll be traveling with another human being (usu I'm solo) : Tsubasa.

I've been thinking a lot about martial arts and such... I think these thoughts are interesting and insightful syntheses. Experience, again, is the final arbiter of learning... I want to play a lot more go but I've been somewhat depressed and my sleep is all messed up... excuses, excuses, I know. I'll let them slide for just a bit longer. Probably the rest of this week.

Also, following a particularly incensing drunken conversation, which I'm sure I only half-understood, I've come to the conclusion that perhaps I have simply become one of those people who are alone for good and for ever. Somehow, this does not bother me so much. I'm reminded of a letter I once wrote in which I begged someone to find some light to dispel their darkness--now I wonder why ; my darkness, at least, is velvety-smooth : perhaps his was as well.
Mostly cloudy 15C (14C)

So--I think because of all that thinking about ginsen being good for the gut--last night, as I was just about to FINALLY fall asleep, a memory popped into my head from when I was in the hospital in Israel after that hiking incident when I started dying by the river at the bottom of the canyon and some Israeli Defense Forces reconnaissance and recovery reservists came to get me. The counselor who had stayed with me while the rest of the group hiked out came up to the side of the bed and asked if I was sure I hadn't taken any drugs, because the doctors and nurses were starting to get upset that my body wasn't responding the way they expected it to and it seemed like the only thing I could do after reassuring her that I hadn't taken any drugs was laugh and tell her that that was all normal for my body, anyway, and they should just keep doing what they know they should do that eventually my body would clue in and tag along...

Then as I drifted deeper into sleep, I thought of what happened in the group after that and remembered how glad I was to leave everyone behind and continue on my own (though I later met the medic who'd administered the saline at the bottom of that ravine--turns out he was a friend of a friend I made volunteering ; one of the many reasons I loved Israel was that it was small enough for that to happen pretty regularly but not small enough to feel constricted by it--and tried to reassure him that he did a good enough job while he pitifully examined the bruises that still ran from my lower forearm to about halfway up my biceps because I was still alive and those bruises would fade...) and how the Soviet kids reacted.

Which I think is why I had a crazy dream about having drinking parties with Soviet Israelis. But it looked a little more like a rugger party at some moments... and a gangland hit at others...

Tonight I plan to go to synagogue. It'll be my last predictable chance for a while...
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