sjcarpediem: (Default)
( Mar. 24th, 2011 01:26 pm)
Light snow, 6C (10C)

Divine providence is certainly... remarkable.

  • If I had gotten into the Peace Corps, I wouldn't have returned to my mother's house--we wouldn't have the relationship we have now--and I wouldn't have run away to the middle east and wouldn't have gone back to college, I wouldn't have studied in France.
  • If I had gotten into the Foreign Service, I would be in government, now, as a diplomat. I'd have sold out by now, almost certainly.
  • If I had gotten into JET, I would probably have been sent to Tohoku, I wouldn't have lived in Kobe, wouldn't have gone through those bankruptcies, wouldn't have got myself another job, wouldn't have got myself into graduate school. I could well be dead, now, since I probably would have been satisfied enough with the wages to not look so hard for another way of making my living.
  • If I had gotten into TAU, I would be in the middle east right now, in the middle of all of that [exciting] stuff I've been predicting since I was a child, about to embark on my career.

So, obviously, none of these things happened. So I returned to my mother's house, ran away to the middle east, studied in France, I am not in government, am not a diplomat, have somewhat preserved my freedom of thought and action, I was not sent to Northern Japan, did live in Kobe, did go through those bankruptcies, did get myself another job, did get into graduate school (to become a teacher, of all things!), I did not get into TAU, am not in the middle east right now (though I'd esp like to be in Israel right now...).

Apparently, I was meant to have a good relationship with my mother, to have experience in both fleeing and returning, to have lived in many countries as well as many cities and regions, to preserve myself, to go through upheaval, to land on my feet.

I was not meant to serve my country formally (in either the Peace Corps or the Foreign Service), I was not meant to stay in one place, I was not meant to have my way and be in the middle of things.

I don't know what that all means.... but having racked up all these precedents I feel somewhat more willing, now, to try to accept that things not going my way isn't the end of the world....

But I'll still try.
Some clouds, 23C (25C)
T - 14 days

OhMyGosh, I'm so tired. Usually, at the end of the week, as I lock up the school, I get a second wind. Not this week. I just feel worn down, chewed up and spit out. I feel like I've grown very weak and lazy. I need, need, need to be very productive tomorrow. I'll let myself rest tonight, but I need to get shit done tomorrow.

I still have no address. I don't even know what city I'll be living in. I'm two weeks out and nothing is decided. I don't have my address. I don't have my new contract. I don't trust the company. I'm in a bad situation and I can't get myself out.

I feel more and more strongly that this MA in TESOL is something I really need to do if I want to win myself some footing to stand on, to maybe build on. God help me, the road there, though, is so full of potholes and I've already tripped into one... Getting out depends on my new contract. Money, it's always money. Am I really living so far beyond my means? I find it difficult to fathom, but maybe I am... insert other angsty whining about money/-flow issues.

I was able to go to synagogue, again this week, but the new rabbi and his family got stuck in the US for some ridiculous visa bullshit--apparently foreigners now need American visas to change flights on US soil. What a joke.

But this week I gained what could be an insight to my character, or rather, an aspect of my character that needs correcting--which is a boon for me, because while I know I'm really far from anything resembling right or perfect it's very difficult to identify specific things to target and work on. But this week, my coworker asked me to do something that I usually do anyway, and couched it in a phrase such as, "if you have free time..." I did it, but I felt a strong urge to talk back and I felt offended and interfered with. Then I realized that there are kindof a lot of those sorts of reactions. I really feel like I own my time and I am displeased when someone else implies or suggests that some of it might not be. So I'm trying to determine what is the source. What is the character flaw that it springs from? Is it arrogance? Selfishness? Immaturity? Not caring enough for others? I'm still not entirely sure what it is, but I'm working on it.
Thunderstorm, 13C (12C)

Lately, I've really been getting a kick out of gratitude. Being thankful for various things gives me real pleasure. Enjoying the pleasures I experience compounds them. I've been getting increasingly strong inklings to this effect for some time, but this past week, especially, has really beaten the point home. It's well beyond trite aphorisms about joy and thankfulness. It makes me happy. And I know it does--which makes me even happier. Because I've done a lot of hard work, I can find something to be thankful for no matter what ; which means I can be my own sustainable source of happiness, at any given moment and in any given situation--which has been a long-term goal for a very, very long time. Even when I'm miserable, I feel confident that I can find my back back to this.

Another thing I've really been enjoying is not being the type to panic. It's really fantastic! I honestly can't remember the last time I panicked, but I don't think I really appreciated what a fabulous trait that is until recently. It's really powerful because it's like a magical shield against everything that weakens those things we need most in a crisis. And I just don't have to worry about it. The more shit is flying and the more that's blowing up around me the calmer I get. Even my complaining is almost totally detached from my actual mindset.

Anyway, thank God, Golden Week is here. And off to a proper start with anime and a thunderstorm. Since I'm only on about 4 hours of sleep for the last 24 hours, I don't plan to stay up much longer, but so far, things are good. Life is good, for the time being. I like that I can see that.

I'll have plenty to do with myself, and having done that cleaning up on my unscheduled day off last week, my space is much more pleasant. I am so easily influenced by my environment.... But anyway, books, a very little anime, movies, various Internet things, and I'm still planning on going to the Kariyushi live [the day after] tomorrow.... I'm looking forward to my week of seclusion, actually.
Clear, 17C

I am usually the first to preach not to keep secrets. Well, I've realized that I have one. A really big one. A guilty, horrible one. And this is all the more I'm hiding it. )

The fact of the matter is that I have kept this secret because I did not know how to deal with the repercussions of letting it out.


I'm done with that.

I'm sorry to everyone who was tricked and misled into believing things about me that aren't true (though to be fair and honest to those who've joined me only in the last five years, you had already missed my error by then). I know that now you know I can't be trusted because there's no way to sort the fact from fiction. You must always wonder, now, if I am who and what I say I am or seem to be.

If I was a decent person I'd never tell another soul--and that's what I thought I was trying to do for the past five-plus years. Maybe I'm just being weak and taking "the easy way out" by outing myself after the recent chain of disappointments and challenges and cries in the night for support of some kind....

But I realize I was wrong then and am, now, and always will be until I've earned and been granted forgiveness from the ones I've wronged. I don't enjoy being wrong and the longer it goes on the more people I'll need to apologize to and beg forgiveness from. I'm damming this polluted stream.

So I'm starting, here.

Actually, that's another lie... I've already started somewhere else. The plan is to start at the outside, with the least affected and work my way in to the ones I'm aware of harming most directly.

If you want details or to harangue me or de-flist me or try to exact penitance or other explanation; I'll be leaving this entry public, and screening replies in case of any foolishness. The point is that your comment is between you and I unless you request otherwise.


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