*shrugs* If there weren't some kind of benefit to be gained from lying, there wouldn't be much benefit to it at all then, would there. Regarding atonement I'll leave that one up to you cos I personally feel that that's an individual matter.
Regarding other parts of the post though, it seems like you're affected by what's referred to as "all-or-nothing" thinking, among perhaps a coupla other forms of flawed thinking. For but one example:
The worse of it is that I have meanwhile been praised and honored for being honest.
Just because you've been dishonest with regard to one thing doesn't necessarily mean that you are therefore a complete and utter lying sack of shit. I'd be willing to wager that when you've been complimented on your honesty it's been for times/situations when you really have been honest. I don't really see the point to discounting that and selling yourself short personally, unless you've got some kind of masochistic tendencies which you sincerely believe help you to be a better person or whatever. If it's working, then hey, godspeed and all that. I'd pose the question first though.
no subject
Regarding other parts of the post though, it seems like you're affected by what's referred to as "all-or-nothing" thinking, among perhaps a coupla other forms of flawed thinking. For but one example:
The worse of it is that I have meanwhile been praised and honored for being honest.
Just because you've been dishonest with regard to one thing doesn't necessarily mean that you are therefore a complete and utter lying sack of shit. I'd be willing to wager that when you've been complimented on your honesty it's been for times/situations when you really have been honest. I don't really see the point to discounting that and selling yourself short personally, unless you've got some kind of masochistic tendencies which you sincerely believe help you to be a better person or whatever. If it's working, then hey, godspeed and all that. I'd pose the question first though.