sjcarpediem: (Default)
( Apr. 12th, 2011 09:53 pm)
Partly cloudy, 11C (7C)

There seems to be various butthurt surrounding me. Contract/schedule/whatnot is still in flux/not totally determined/could be headed for serious revision ; and classes have already started. Let's see how this goes...

In other news, I forgot to mention the fragment of dream I had wherein I dropped my cellphone and it kind of split/shattered apart and some strange goo oozed through the keypad and rendered it useless. I was gutted... good thing it was a dream.

Here's to hoping for better dreams tonight, and a good tomorrow...

P.S. don't even try to spew that shit about Japanese "preparedness" at me. Schmucks.

Also happy sesquicentennial of the Civil War, o muddled-up country of mine.

P.P.S. Meh, my un and pw for registering officially for graduate school aren't working. Meh.
Partly sunny, 9C (2C)

I woke up a little before 4AM from some crazy-ass unpleasant dream about a post-apocalyptic, steam-punk outlaw pirate and his most unsavoury sexual preferences involving the raping of children and exhibitionist murder and wine made from their bile. That is just gross. Gross, I tell you.

And [needless to say] I couldn't get back to sleep.

So at 05h30 I just gave up. It's been an alright morning and I've got some time before I should leave--can't get to the office too early...

Another earthquake yesterday, this time I was at one of my schools (recently rennovated, good riders!) just finishing a planning meeting there. My coworker there seems really emotional. But maybe it'll be okay.

Hmmm... what else, what else..? Oh! I think I've just about got my head back on straight. That boi is not going to call, I don't think, and that's probably for the best. I don't need bois! I don't want bois! Okay, maybe I do want them ; but I don't need them, and this is the point.

I should just focus on work and study. Hm-hm //vigorous nodding Especially since I just paid for Module 1 (ouch!)... And the new school year is starting Any Minute Now and because of poor planning/management I'm going to be utterly SWAMPED with organizing/coordinating/administrating for the next four weeks at least.

But I'm still going to the [new]teachers' beginning-of-the-year drinking party at probably all of my schools... ppl matter, relationships are important, etc. Gah... I just wish I didn't have to do it so many times over--and on the same paycheck that I paid tuition with. This month is going to be tight...

In other news, the state of my body is pissing me off, again, but I'm not starting round three for another 2.5 weeks/after my next glorification of womanhood/thereabouts. Grrr... Body!hate. I really hope the next round goes smashingly. Positively smashingly. I think I might cry if it doesn't and I get trapped going through two presets, a poorly-timed planned interruption, and a supply-train/life malfunction like the last time and don't shed at least 20kilos for my trouble. 20kilos isn't going to happen in one round, though... But I'd like it to be close to that..! :-D At least enough to get rid of what I've regained from my LSW plus.... hmm... 10kilos. I'll call that a win.

Anyway, it's prolly time to go.
sjcarpediem: (Default)
( Apr. 10th, 2011 09:19 pm)
Mostly cloudy, 14C (11C)

I feel like I should maybe be writing more about the country... I'll do just that after I've had a few days back in the classrooms.

Maybe I should write a little something about how 10% of the company's teaching staff have fled the Irradiation (spoken with a heavy drawl)--how all of them were Americans and what this has meant for the company (not all bad at all!) and my position in it as one of possibly a handful actively seeking an advanced degree...

In the meantime, I'd like a certain nameless young male to email me, already. Either that one or some other one I haven't made an acquaintance with, yet.

Perhaps more on that, later. Perhaps not.

I have to go send all my money to England and America tomorrow. This month is going to suck financially. Oh, well. God help me.

Also god help me not be such a raging slut. Kthnx.

Or maybe I could mention the Frenchman who burned my hand in a bar when I should have been on a live anime stream. And after I went to the trouble to translate and converse with him in his wretched frog-language. Ossan ought to learn the local dialect already.... Or maybe I should mention the other man I brought to my apartment this morning? But he doesn't need to bother calling or emailing me. Just the one should do.
sjcarpediem: (Default)
( Apr. 10th, 2011 12:03 pm)
Stephi, stop being such a threat to society...

Posted via

sjcarpediem: (Default)
( Apr. 8th, 2011 12:50 pm)
Mostly cloudy, 18C (16C)

Another big aftershock last night. I ended up going to hanami in Ueno park, where I was adopted as the evening's token "bijin" by some office workers. After hanami in the park, we went to an izakaya. After the izakaya, I and one from that party went to a British-style pub (and the aftershock struck--it was the first time I'd been out of my apartment for one, plus we were underground so it felt weird, and all of the television screens doing the disaster thing was somewhat unnerving...), where I added three more to our group--it's what token "bijin" do. I was uncharacteristically tired, it seemed, and drank three or four red bull and vodkas. At closing time, I brought one of the new members back to my place. It was pretty fun ; we'll see what happens. I'm so terrible with names, though... He had to leave early this morning for work in Chiba. Maybe I'll try studying Japanese that way as well...

Today is the entrance ceremony for my night school kids. But that's still several hours off. Tomorrow night is anime streaming, again. Maybe next weekend one of the original office-worker members (Kazu) is going to show me a good place for house music, at least that was the plan last night.

I did miss the last train but was in well before the sun rose (taxi from Ueno isn't too costly...), which is new for me in Tokyo. Playing is good. For now, at least, I don't feel lonely--a welcome respite.
sjcarpediem: (Default)
( Apr. 7th, 2011 01:15 pm)
Sunny, 18C (17C)

So LJ is being inconvenient/inaccessible, lately. While I do another import to dreamwidth, I'll do this meme and try not to comment on anything else :

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two images that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession

Scratch that... it seemed like a good idea at the time, but I've changed my mind.

I'll try getting out of the apartment, instead. YaY, laundry! Not really, but we're pretending, here. Then maybe I'll... go somewhere... or something... Ever since I went out playing Friday, I feel really lonely--which is stupid and irritating.
sjcarpediem: (Default)
( Apr. 5th, 2011 05:11 pm)
Sunny, 14C (15C)

Woah, self! Things aren't so bad! You need to stop being a pissy little bitch like ten minutes ago, for serious. That's it, eat your fried wtvr-the-fuck chicken and your agedashi doufu--drink your secret stash-can of Dr. Pepper [for emergencies!(tm)] while you're at it--watch some funny anime and no more fogged pissiness for the rest of the doggarned day!
sjcarpediem: (Default)
( Apr. 4th, 2011 09:03 pm)
Partly cloudy, 8C (3C)

I'm pissy about the conditions mima lives under but I feel utterly powerless to affect them.
Mostly cloudy, 8C (7C)

Haircut )

Now... I'm not going to be unreasonable and say it's the worst haircut I've ever had in my life--there's always that time when I was eight years old and had the fantastic idea of layering bangs and simply *could* *not* *wait* to try it out so continued to do so on my own--but while I'm being honest, it's also not really what I wanted.

And there's lots of shakka-shakka, which I can't friggin' stand, but it was clear that it would just be asking too much to tell the hairdresser to knock it off. Also, this is the third time I've had a cut/styling here in Japan and the overwhelming instinct seems to be for them to fuwa-fuwa-fy my hair. I'm not not such a damned girly-girl. I like sleek, angles, integration, clean and trending toward compact or inward-pointing ; not poofy, wavy, fluffy, blended, outward-pointing, fuzzy-lined... anyway.

The good thing about hair, of course, it that it grows. So maybe at the endin the middle of summer (in three or four months or so), I'll go somewhere trendy in Shibuya and try again. I did go ahead and have it colored--this place is convenient to my apartment and so is also on the cheaper side. The color isn't really what I wanted, either, but it's not bad [not nearly as bad as shakka-shakka!] and I'm sure I'll come to appreciate it more than I do right now.

I'll have to figure something out about these bangs, though... maybe a better-defined part and a little flatter...?

Whatever, I'll deal with that later. Have the first blossom on my sakura-bonsai :

Nice, y/y?
sjcarpediem: (Default)
( Mar. 31st, 2011 08:29 pm)
Partly cloudy, 11C (6C)

I'm somewhat pissy right now. Discovered a problem in my room this morning--the apartment is rather humid so I thought it'd be a good idea to check under the futon to make sure there wasn't any mold ; because that happens, esp on tatami mats and esp when you leave the futon out (like I do--I seriously can't be bothered to fold and store that shit then take it out again every freaking day--I make my bed, that ought to be enough). And there was. Not as horrible as it could be, but thoroughly there and must be done about.

So putting off getting a bedframe is no longer possible. I've stood the futon out to dry and run the dehumidifier (A/C function) basically all day [will basically have to continue to do so until the frame arrives and is assembled] and when I got home from the office (training), there was still some damp so I've continues running the dehumidifier and gone ahead and ordered a new bedframe.

But not the pretty one, because though that storage and good construction is MIGHTY APPEALING, I can't afford that right now. Not even the compromise model (whose bright spot is an electrical outlet on the shelf!)--because those are all "special sales" for about six hours this COMING OCTOBER. Nono, I bought the cheap-ass, ugly one. That is totally going to fuck up the wa in my bedroom... Better than nothing and the ventilation ought to be good enough...

A simple pine-wood frame is crazy expensive--more than the compromise model I was about to buy, and the cheaper steel frame ones are between 8 and 12cm too long--and all that shopping took longer than I had expected and now I don't have time to cook (not like I really feel like it). Hence the pissiness. So I'll just have some nuts for "supper" and call it a day.

Blimey. Next month is going to suck financially, even if I don't do my hair or only do a cut (no color, which I'd basically decided on while I was walking home from the station)... God help me.

While I'm being a whiny brat ; last night my sleep was crappy--I kept waking up and taking thirty or forty or seventy minutes to fall back asleep....
sjcarpediem: (Default)
( Mar. 30th, 2011 08:57 pm)
Clear, 12C (9C)

So, I'm thinking about changing my hair. Actually, I've been thinking about it for a while. Here's what I'm thinking right now (click to see pictures) :

And maybe color :

I like these styles, also, however
  • this looks a little high maintenance--I'd have to wash, flat-iron (I don't even own a flatiron) and wax (on the other hand, the composite style above could prolly be worn without wax or on a second day without much trouble) *every* day (also the lengths are too straggly, I'd want them thicker)
  • this one looks cool (I'd want the lengths to be a little thicker and longer), but is prolly a little too edgy for work and would need to be trimmed prolly every month

If I do this, I should prolly do it before classes start just to keep things clear-cut.
sjcarpediem: (Default)
( Mar. 29th, 2011 08:25 pm)
Partly cloudy, 13C (9C)

I have been useless, today.


But I'm doing some genealogy work--on my mother's father's side. I was told his family were second or third generation immigrants from Poland. That was hte whole reason I *did* Poland for my country report and international fair at school in the fifth grade. I'm now in the ninth century and the closest anybody has gotten to Poland is one Italian noble chick who some relative of Henry III arranged to marry an Englishman. You can't swing a dead cat without hitting an Englishman on this tree. Seriously, one of these d00ds' names is "Lancelot"... Another few are called "Thurston"... Back this far there are some Vikings in northern France, but that's only to be expected from a bunch of Englishmen.

But this is getting a little irritating and the ppl aren't renown enough to double-check my work on wikipedia ; which is part of what's so interesting--finding out the relationships and the backstory and learning about the places.

So I think I'll abandon this twig, soon, and move to another...

Also, I did not call back about the interview. I'll try to do that tomorrow. But I can't be sure, because I am currently being useless. And pissy about my weight.

Meh, I woke up suddenly on my own this morning following another marginally weird dream after about five hours of sleep... so now I'm really sleepy... but I just ate an hour ago... meh...
Partly cloudy, 11C (7C)

A Reasonable Argument for God’s Existence?

I'm reading this article, now, and thought I'd share it (esp with [ profile] treacerbullet  and [ profile] earthbound01 , who participated so whole-heartedly in that recent discussion about god, here).


Also, from the Washington post on Southern sucession...

Side note : I updated the sticky post on my journal bringing ppl up-to-date, if you care.
sjcarpediem: (Default)
( Mar. 28th, 2011 03:39 pm)
Partly sunny, 10C (14C)

I slept really well for the first time in weeks...

Saturday night, I logged on for some anime streaming. It was supposed to just be two or three episodes of this one show and turned into a ten-and-a-half-hour marathon. It was a lot of fun! Which meant that I was doing that all night and far enough into the morning that I thought it would just be foolishness to go to sleep then and completely let myself slip into nocturnism what with two mornings at the office scheduled for this week (Thursday and Friday). I stayed up 'til 10-ish last night then sorted myself out for bed and slept without waking for the cold or the aftershocks until late this morning.

It kindof defeats the purpose of resting when fifteen systems come online simultaneously like that, and I kindof get to feeling a little cheated, sometimes. So it was good not to have another night of disturbed sleep.

In the meantime, my body is finally starting to sort itself out a bit. All systems are functioning properly and lost a kilo in fluids overnight. I hope my weight keeps dropping at least back to my LSW over the course of the week, though realism would indicate it may well not.

I'm still ravenously hungry for peanuts and walnuts and fruits and vegetables ; thankfully not nearly so ravenously hungry for bread.

I've been making a lot of "orange-style" chicken and I think it's working out in areas that needed work, so that's encouraging. At this rate, soon it will be like nothing to throw together but will be pretty-damned tasty and about as good looking. Once I've mastered this, I'll move on to the next thing.

Also, my texts for the first module of my graduate program have started to arrive. When I look at them I feel a mixture of excitement and dull responsibility. I'm happy about that because I think the mixture is about right to get matters taken care of and keep taking care of them.

I've been asked to an interview for another parttime position. I'm worried about money you see ) ; so it'd be good to have another source of some income--but since the company still hasn't got contracts together, I don't know how much extra I really need to be pushing for. I also don't want to run out of energy, my priorities are : school, work--in that order, and I don't want to be confusing myself. A parttime job, frankly, would come last in that list. Even coming last, I'm worried I'd give it too much of my energy/attention.

More money is better, but less money justifies placing a parttime position at a lower level of priority... Anyway, I should at least schedule (and probably do) the interview before I have a chance to find out the detalis of next years' assignments and rates at my regular job. I don't mean to sound like a cocky asshole, but I'm pretty qualified and even just interviewing, even poorly, I've got at least a 70% chance of getting the position. It's not likely I'll interview poorly so my actual chance is probably actually much higher--which means I would probably get an offer, possibly right away because of the timing, which means walking in the door I need to be at least 80% sure of my answer. It's already Monday, which means I've basically gotta decide today whether I strike this iron or risk waiting for another. Waiting, I would certainly understand better exactly how much I need--but it's not clear what the cost of waiting might be and I'm worried that unknown is pretty great, indeed.

So I'm currently angsting over that a little bit...
sjcarpediem: (Default)
( Mar. 25th, 2011 04:37 pm)
Cloudy, 13C (8C)

Ah, so, first, I wanted to add an item to the second list from my last post--I don't think I mentioned it because of the earthquakes happening right away, but I bought a miniature sakura tree. I wanted a miniature plum tree, but it seems those are hard to find and the sakura was pretty cheap so I bought it. Anyway, it's budding nicely, see :

As for the first list : I have cleared two of those items! :-DDD

Showering, laundry, and grocery shopping were almost less problematic than usual--pleasurable, even! I miraculously did not freeze to death drying off after the shower! I over-dried my laundry a little bit but caught it early enough so there was no damage. When shopping I got some flesh on discount and I also got a four-litre bottle for water, filled it with water, took a picture, and sent it off to mima so she can stop freaking out about that any second, now...

And I called the landlord about the sink--the [simulated] conversation I had imagined to prepare for it was far more complicated so when it came to the real deal it was pretty easy. The plumbers were just here! It was a super-simple fix, embarrassingly so, actually, but I had no way to know how to take off the drain cover so I got them to show me how. Now that I clearly understand the precise mechanism of this drain (they can be a little different from place to place...), I'll go out once more to get the stuff I need to maintain it properly. Japanese drains are kindof a disgusting horror, actually, so they really need pointed maintenance.

Anyway, that's how it's gone so far. Not too shabby...
Partly cloudy, 8C (13C)

I feel pissy and frustrated.

Reasons )

I would like to positively resolve at least two of these items, today. One of them is probably not all that difficult (the last...) but any single one of the upper three are just... well, they feel really distant.

So I'll start with the last item (which is actually a trifecta!) and see what happens from there.

I was going to try to list good things, also, to counteract the above bile and refocus on things that are Going Well to balance out the negative talk... Here goes :

  • The Internet is working at my apartment!
  • I have some anime series ready to start watching (Muteki Kanban Musume turns out to have rendering issues, so I couldn't and still can't watch that, but I picked up at least the first three eps of two three four other shows to try out... None of them are really in the comedy genre, but I think I should still enjoy them, nonetheless)! I'm okay for tea right now!
  • I remembered to take my vitamins, today! (I forgot to do so yesterday...)
  • The toilet is flushing fine!
  • I have what else to wear while going to do laundry--and I have laundry money!
  • After shopping and whatnot, I can settle in next to my floor heater and put it under the blankets to stay warm without consuming so much electricity!
  • My sun is shining, today!
sjcarpediem: (Default)
( Mar. 24th, 2011 01:26 pm)
Light snow, 6C (10C)

Divine providence is certainly... remarkable.

  • If I had gotten into the Peace Corps, I wouldn't have returned to my mother's house--we wouldn't have the relationship we have now--and I wouldn't have run away to the middle east and wouldn't have gone back to college, I wouldn't have studied in France.
  • If I had gotten into the Foreign Service, I would be in government, now, as a diplomat. I'd have sold out by now, almost certainly.
  • If I had gotten into JET, I would probably have been sent to Tohoku, I wouldn't have lived in Kobe, wouldn't have gone through those bankruptcies, wouldn't have got myself another job, wouldn't have got myself into graduate school. I could well be dead, now, since I probably would have been satisfied enough with the wages to not look so hard for another way of making my living.
  • If I had gotten into TAU, I would be in the middle east right now, in the middle of all of that [exciting] stuff I've been predicting since I was a child, about to embark on my career.

So, obviously, none of these things happened. So I returned to my mother's house, ran away to the middle east, studied in France, I am not in government, am not a diplomat, have somewhat preserved my freedom of thought and action, I was not sent to Northern Japan, did live in Kobe, did go through those bankruptcies, did get myself another job, did get into graduate school (to become a teacher, of all things!), I did not get into TAU, am not in the middle east right now (though I'd esp like to be in Israel right now...).

Apparently, I was meant to have a good relationship with my mother, to have experience in both fleeing and returning, to have lived in many countries as well as many cities and regions, to preserve myself, to go through upheaval, to land on my feet.

I was not meant to serve my country formally (in either the Peace Corps or the Foreign Service), I was not meant to stay in one place, I was not meant to have my way and be in the middle of things.

I don't know what that all means.... but having racked up all these precedents I feel somewhat more willing, now, to try to accept that things not going my way isn't the end of the world....

But I'll still try.
Light rain, 7C (6C)

I got some really restless sleep from around 6AM to 10AM... interrupted by weird dreams and a rather many and frequent aftershocks. I woke up feeling a little feverish and... weird. The weirdness has lingered all day, but it's about time to shake it off.

I've begun modifying my peanut butter somewhat : adding vanilla extract, especially if it's going on/with banana is simply fantastic. There are whole new dimensions of pleasure, there, ppl! Try it! Rum oil is not so tasty, and I haven't tried almond because I feel like mixing nut-oils like that has got to be somehow wrong on some level....

Last night I made orange chicken (with fresh oranges because along with toilet paper there are no can openers... shipments of fujisan apples from Aomori and eggs from Tottori have resumed, though...). It was pretty darn tasty ; if I do say so, myself!

Momentarily I will begin a concoction of "my own" invention (in the details, only) : Lemon-garlic-ginger-sesame chicken. With black-ear mushrooms. And some strange leaf-like vegetable I'm not entirely sure how to prepare. I guess I'll steam it. Tomorrow's main meal will involve some beef, probably in a teriyaki-like sauce (with ginger--I grated a whole root, okay?--and garlic--I put garlic in almost everything, it's good for your immune system) and a tomato and cucumber cold salad and probably some kind of spinach treatment... Maybe I'll put sesame on that as well. Drat! I just remembered that I forgot to get a carrot.... feh!

While cooking I'll listen to a shiur about peace of mind and wholesome thinking--it's ideas are supposed to lend strength in times of frustration with one's relationship with god. Not that I'm really feeling particularly frustrated with my relationship with god right now, but these sorts of things are better pursued as preparation than as treatments.

Then I'll watch some crack anime. Because it should be amusing. And crack is good for the soul. Today, I'll be consuming Muteki Kanban Musume. Tanoshimishimasu you ni... Last night I watched Kuragehime--which was spectacularly entertaining and left me feeling warm and fuzzy inside. I literally laughed out loud several times. Laughing out loud is very good for the respiration. I get so many of the jokes and references in a lot of the anime I watch, now. That makes me happy. Even if I haven't studied any Japanese in two weeks.

Which reminds me ; I want to register for JLPT this summer sometime this week. Maybe with some pressure I'll take things more seriously..?
cold and precipitating

I've stayed up beyond late for the second time in a week. I've been trying to sleep for over an hour and a half, now, but nothing's working. My mind is too crowded with memories for that. From HS.3--when I was at college doing my senior year after skipping junior, of my friends then, or at least, some of the people I spent a lot of my time with.... Maybe I miss them a little?

And of that guy who was always hanging out in that shade of that tree behind the language department with that teacher of mine, the one who said I irked him, that I shouldn't walk around looking worried because I was just sunshine and warmth anyway ; that's what the teacher said, but the boy I always wanted to talk to more and always wanted to know more about--like why he'd say something as absurd to me as "ich du liebst" and then why he'd say it and then walk off somewhere... For years and years I still daydreamt of running into him somewhere on this planet of ours.

Skipping class for mini-golf or going to the lake ; working at the movie theatre ; backstage at the college theatre ; summer plays in Ashland ; chicken nuggets at the campus cafeteria ; my campaign and term as a shared governance officer ; passing around game programs on our calculators in calculus ; virtually always having somewhere to be, or someone to be being with, always something to do ; usw....

Those are my "high school" memories, mostly. I have others from the time I was actually at the high school, and others from when I was in ninth grade at the middle school in Arizona... but those aren't really what I think of when I think of "high school"... I think that's why I can never really feel satisfied or enjoy myself unless I'm crazy busy. Because that's how I was allowed to be, then...

I feel a little nostalgic about those memories, and a little sad that I don't know any of those people any more. That they don't know me. It makes me wonder if I'm worth knowing now, if I was worth it then or only imagined it all. But also when I think back, I sometimes have the sense of losing something I never actually had--I mean, I can hardly remember ppls' faces, just something like their energy signatures. It all sounds so much better than it was with a little distance... Just how distant am I, now, and in what direction?

I want to be warm and shiny--like the sunshine I supposedly was anyway--and be satisfied enough to enjoy it myself, by myself. I wonder if I'll ever reach that level. What does the future have in store for me? Will the future ever wash away these pasts? Maybe if I can get to sleep I'll find an answer...
sjcarpediem: (Default)
( Mar. 21st, 2011 11:34 am)
cesium rain, folks, and it's 10 fucking degrees celsius but feels like 2

Even trapped in my Mountain Abode, I am noticing increasingly blatant/blaring disconcordance in my universe. Drat. I know from one of my times at university that some disparities simply cannot be reconciled ; some cannot be bridged ; and some cannot even fall under in influence of a combination of these mechanisms...

Yeah, that's cryptic, and it's going to stay that way, at least for a little while. What is so wrong with my existence, etc. I'm getting a bit disoriented and confused by it all...

Maybe I'm just a misanthrope.

God help me. I'm not doing anything I want to be doing... I think this is where I get to practice being patient?