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Partly cloudy, 23C (22C)
So Yom Kippur starts tomorrow... I'm finding myself very grateful I'll be with others, but not because of the holiday.
Meeting people is always horrendously difficult. Well, not meeting them persay, but forging relationships, taking that plunge into existential intimacy. They always start with the difficult questions like, "where are you from?" which leads to all kinds of other nonsense--and I never did figure out if it's best to just lie to everyone, but I'm inclined to believe it's not a good thing. I try to change the subject or turn the question away and it just makes people more suspicious/curious. I can't really help that my life is hard to believe, nor that it's so normal to me. I'm very sure that people should only believe the things they're comfortable with; and I get the distinct impression that not many could bring themselves to comfort with my past--I try not to be harder on anybody else than I am on myself and the best way I've found to deal is to ignore (which is not really the same as being comfortable, much less believing) so I can't really fault people for finding me unbelievable and therefor untrustworthy, whether they realize it or not... It's hard to make wanting to be understood not sound like some kind of twisted bragging or the recital of a nightmarishly overblown monologue; and simply refraining gives everyone the impression you're not interested in joining them... Mainly, now, I try to give the least interesting part of an answer--especially in a public of more than two (and in a public of only two I use vague simplifications and allusion). But having recently spent time with people [to whom it makes no nevermind and who could probably never really conceive of how many ripples they've created on my own smooth, dark surface]... it gives the loneliness of being a fresh edge. So I'll be glad to have a conversation with God about these things in the presence of others having similar discussions.
I also want to take this moment to apologize to anybody reading--for every insensitive and poorly considered, hurtful, angering, or distasteful, childish, hateful, rash, prideful, selfish thing I've ever written, said or done to you, directly or indirectly, intentionally or accidentally.
So Yom Kippur starts tomorrow... I'm finding myself very grateful I'll be with others, but not because of the holiday.
Meeting people is always horrendously difficult. Well, not meeting them persay, but forging relationships, taking that plunge into existential intimacy. They always start with the difficult questions like, "where are you from?" which leads to all kinds of other nonsense--and I never did figure out if it's best to just lie to everyone, but I'm inclined to believe it's not a good thing. I try to change the subject or turn the question away and it just makes people more suspicious/curious. I can't really help that my life is hard to believe, nor that it's so normal to me. I'm very sure that people should only believe the things they're comfortable with; and I get the distinct impression that not many could bring themselves to comfort with my past--I try not to be harder on anybody else than I am on myself and the best way I've found to deal is to ignore (which is not really the same as being comfortable, much less believing) so I can't really fault people for finding me unbelievable and therefor untrustworthy, whether they realize it or not... It's hard to make wanting to be understood not sound like some kind of twisted bragging or the recital of a nightmarishly overblown monologue; and simply refraining gives everyone the impression you're not interested in joining them... Mainly, now, I try to give the least interesting part of an answer--especially in a public of more than two (and in a public of only two I use vague simplifications and allusion). But having recently spent time with people [to whom it makes no nevermind and who could probably never really conceive of how many ripples they've created on my own smooth, dark surface]... it gives the loneliness of being a fresh edge. So I'll be glad to have a conversation with God about these things in the presence of others having similar discussions.
I also want to take this moment to apologize to anybody reading--for every insensitive and poorly considered, hurtful, angering, or distasteful, childish, hateful, rash, prideful, selfish thing I've ever written, said or done to you, directly or indirectly, intentionally or accidentally.
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