Light rainshower, 27C (33C)
T -20 days

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My dream was to feel safe/secure, loved/useful, and happy.  I haven't accomplished it.

On a related note, WTF, ppl, WTF?  I don't understand what I'm supposed to do with this pile of shit.  Am I supposed to play with it?  Am I supposed to shape it into something that doesn't look like shit (but still is)?  Am I supposed to try to transmute the shit into something that is not shit?  Am I supposed to try to stay as far away from the shit as possible?  Does the shit have a practical use or is it just decorative?  Can I give it away?  Can I sell it (and buy something else)?  Can I trade it up until I have a castle or an 8-course meal [Japaneseimported Chinese cultural reference]?

I do not understand.

But what I do understand is that I must be one horribly stupid example of a human being, to spend so much time and energy stuck feeling so unhappy and/or feeling so stuck in unhappiness.

God help me.

Oh, well I guess when I was a kid I also wanted to be the President.  Then I realized the President is relatively powerless and wanted to be the headmaster of a boarding school.  Then I wanted to be the queen of my own country.  While I was studying to become a linguist, for many, many moons I was pretty hell-bent on also becoming a neuroscientist and elucidating the actual neural process of learning--I even had some research planned using LSD.  I soon understood that I am not brilliant enough for either occupation.  Then I wanted to be a diplomat and an envoy working to solve the problems in the Middle East and helping to guide my country to more fully actualizing what it could be.  Then I wanted to be a free agent planning and managing development projects and consulting on government and social issues.  Now I have no dreams, really.  Or too many.  Except perhaps to possess unholy wealth and live in a castle that I have been designing for the better part of a decade with my legion of adopted and visiting scholars in our 36-hour-day-dome.  Something like that.

As I'm sure is obvious, none of those has come to fruition.  And probably never will.  Jus' sayin'.

Basically, I just want to do what I want to do.  Usually, the only thing stopping me is lack of funds.  So I also want a super-lucrative non-demanding position so that I can do what I want to do.  If you know of something, do let me know!

P.S.  I don't feel like packing.  AT ALL.

P.P.S.  On a bright note, I made some cupcakes in my spiffy microwave oven and they were actually edible!  Also, I've decided that I will take my spiffy microwave oven with me into the countryside.  And there is nothing anybody can do about it. And my bookshelves.
This is not complete. I'll complete it, later.

Go ahead and resuscitate me.

I don't want to be kept fed or intubated for more than 6 months, I don't want to be kept living in a coma or vegetative state for more than 6 months. I'll add details to this later, but in the meantime this should be interpreted as non-invasively as possible.

I refuse to receive or benefit from any and all organ or tissue donations, transplants or transfusions with the exception of blood and blood products.

I want all harvestable organs and tissues to be harvested and donated in accordance with the standards of the local halachic authority and the execution of this living will.


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