Stephanie

Miserable freezing rain, 3C (-3C)

My go ranking dropped. That's it. No more resigning games. Once I know I'm losing, I'll just play crazy till the other guy passes.

I want to be good at go, damnit! Someone teach me in a language I understand very well and easily....

I want to be good at so many things, but I feel like this is the biggest challenge for me right now.

In other [less significant, mind you,...] news, I signed contracts and got the key for my new apartment today. So much Japanese legalese I couldn't speak or write properly for an hour or so after... Tomorrow I move in. All the utilities except Internet are on. I have to arrange a new contract with NTT [East, remember?].

Tuesday I get my last paycheck from GEOS ; I plan to buy appliances with it.

I also need to get tea towels for introduction gifts to my neighbors. I think I'll go out for that after the boxes are moved and at least the futon and clothes chest is sorted.

No more morning and evening go games for a while. I hope to get a tall, wide bookcase soon (also with Tuesday's pay, but on Rakuten so delivery won't be immediate), then I can unpack my books--including the go ones, and I'll read those again. Maybe this time it'll sink through my hard, thick skull into my brain, where I'll make good use of it.

I'd like to get several things with that paycheck. I hope it's bigger than I'm expecting!

Still no word on two of the parttime jobs I applied to--one already said I live too far away from them. No other ideas for paying tuition, yet.

After another two weeks or so, I should be back online. To various effect.

God help me--on so many fronts.

Partly sunny, 2C (4C)

Between the short sleep, the heating issues at school (as in, my classroom not being much warmer than the snow flurries outside), and the little pots of infectious disease I teach, I may have caught a going-away cold.

Drat.

I'll see what I can do about it. But if it's caught, it's caught, and that's just gonna suck a lot for me...

I've decided not to make my lunch for today--to avoid having one more thing to potentially forget at the school--and will buy something from the grocery on the way in ; to which, speaking of which, I will soon go. No use sitting around fretting about packing my laundry detergent while I still have one last load to wash (tonight)...

Calm, happy, efficient thoughts...

This past month has been something else... and it's not over, yet. The only moves I'm used to being this sudden are generally bad or disaster or both. But maybe after this I can break that mould. I hope.

Some clouds, 7C (2C)

Ahh... I'm officially, by my schedule, ahead of schedule with the packing and whatnot--but I'll just say that I've finally [!?! wtvr, it was me who did no packing for three whole days and wasn't even home for another two over the recent winter holiday..!#%!] barely caught up since that's more what it feels like. Seeing as how I have three nights left to finish everything off, I still might be staying up late Saturday night to be certain everything is sorted away properly.

I'm still debating just how to handle the packing of the modem and accoutrements. I'll probably put them in the big takkyubin suitcase even though I won't be using it until after my second move.... because god knows I'll just *have* to use the Internet half an hour before I leave and my cellphone browser somehow won't be enough...

Anyway.

I'm going to bed, soon, before I think about that (the time constraints and lists of work still to finish) too much.

I've been meditating a lot on prayer, lately. I don't think I wrote it down, anywhere, but "prayer" is a topic I intend to study during the month [and, god willing, not more!] that I probably won't be online after moving... Today I learned at least one very important thing about prayer--well, something I already knew, but an application point. Basically, I'm not going to ask or entrain god to help me anymore : instead I'll just be thankful for it. Oh, but, really... the metaphysical properties of the High Holidays are a cakewalk compared to all the depth and sophistication of prayer... I could (and probably will) study it for a lifetime...

P.S. I'm totally kicking the ass of this "being decent in spite of myself" challenge. And lately lots of students are telling me they think I'm a great teacher. I'm really trying not to get a big head over it, but it does give me a little more confidence that maybe beyond my adaptability, I have qualities and skills that will help me flourish in my new situation. I also hope my work becomes a little more fun, too, though. Y'know... I'll be in high school again. That's so crazy... given my fixation on "normal high school life" it's also pretty fascinating.

Partly sunny, 5C (7C)

I'm still in Shiga. Perhaps this is not surprising.

I think going out of town the week before a move is a good break for me--but, this time... well, I'm still moody and pissy and not looking forward to having to learn fucking Tokyo. I find myself thinking things like, "this job had better be worth it!" which is both foolish and naive. No job is worth it. I have to makerebuild a [whole] life that's worth it and obviously because I'm (a) not a trust-fund baby and (b) was raised with a sense of responsibility for being productive work is always going to be a part of that life but no work alone is worth the frustration and irritation (and agony? Oh, dramatics!) of moving and making a life somewhere else. It's expensive, it's exhausting, it tries you in ways you don't want to be tried, etc... I should know!

Which is all to say I woke up feeling like a mopey little bitch this morning and am now questioning even more strongly whether I can really get everything done in time (of course I will--there's no choice not to...) and want to just curl up with some anime and be happily stimulated in my mind and numb to the world and it's tribulations around me. In fact, this urge is so strong that--for the moment, at least--this is exactly the plan after I get just a few (but nowhere near all!) of my to-dos for today done. Just a few, and then I'm taking a break from this ; or I'll break, and it's nowhere near time for that (yes, there is a time for that--growing a bit involves breaking a bit, duh). I'll deal with the rest of the day when it comes--right now I'll focus on the next five minutes. God help me.

Also, my body is still so full of food and I'm not really enjoying it. It's okay, body! Starting today we're eating sanely again! I promise! It'll get better! Just hang in and process! ( <-- anthem of my life... )

Oh, yeah, my dream :

I was in a building which was a lot like my high school building, only it was four stories high instead of two, and it was a hospital instead of a high school. I was part of a radical group trying to secure some basic human right. Some totalitarian government had surrounded the place and was laying siege to it, without breaking the glass (which was perhaps the most disturbing part). Then there was a lull in the pressure as they were preparing an insurgence with special forces that were being planted inside, amongst us, within that lull. I was part of some underground/intelligence agency within the radical group. I found out about someone on the outside that might be able to save me and my sister-not-my-sister-maybe-just-some-younger-member-I-was-close-to-or-whatever.

The dream was mostly our slow, long walk through the daylight streaming into the hall on the fourth floor, down the four flights of stairs, through our family-in-arms, through the marauding "foreign" [home!] army, and to a deli in the dusk-darkened corner of a rice paddy where the man who owned it made good sandwiches and sold train tickets to dissidents like myself. We went to the train station and found our sleeper train--it was one of the ones I'd used in Europe, with the split levels and viewing points.

I remember it was kinshi to speak--we'd be found out by any language we used and my voice. I had to look forward with a calm expression, but couldn't look anyone in the eye because the color would give us away. Talk about exercises in avoidance. And even on the train, our compartment was shared with two members of the fighting group that had been at the school-cum-hospital, so we still could hardly breath. Not that anyone in that army was actually violent towards any of us--it was just the principle of the matter. I lay down on the bed, my little-whatever on the bunk above me and just as I closed my eyes in the dream I opened them in life. My hair still smells like the shampoo from the onsen.

Light shower, 7C (-2C)

My gosh... I feel so tired. And borderline overwhelmed. I was super anxious last night so didn't get enough sleep. It kindof sucked. I'm not just mentally tired but also physically from dragging a suitcase full mostly of books home from the train station and up to my apartment.

This phase of the diet is winding down much earlier than planned for various reasons and I'm already concerned about it but there's nothing I can do, really. This phase is considerably more complicated than the second (and previous) since it's more about stabilizing than continuing to lose. I didn't lose as much as I had intended even though I'm sure if these other factors hadn't played in I would have reached my goal. Now I just don't want to screw it up and gain it back. Which is why I freak out a little when stress and lack of sleep cause me to retain more water (I think...?) and show a gain on the scale rather than just not a loss...

Tonight the plan is to relax. And attack again, tomorrow. With packing and some paperwork (though, frankly, the paperwork might wait until "next year"). I am glad I decided lying sleepless in my bed last night that it would be better if I packed things from the school today than going in tomorrow. Now I have it here and waiting. I should probably throw some more of it away--it's hard to know what I should throw out, though... I have a few ideas, though. Maybe.

But I also forgot to get some of a particular spice when I went shopping, tonight [even though I made a list! but this spice wasn't *on* the list, so...], and now I've run out. Meh.

Anyway, back to relaxing. I'm at about 45% done packing--which is the point where you've done a lot but know you're not even really halfway, yet. This is perhaps the most frustrating point in packing for me... It's so demoralizing. So tonight I rest ; tomorrow I scrape and claw. I want to be basically done in the next three days (because after that I'm going to Kobe for two days) ; basically living out of my suitcase for the last week I'm here and just have a handful of bulky but simple things to put in boxes after I go see a movie (Unstoppable) after my last day of work... Then I'll get some good rest, wake up the next day not underslept or freaking out about having forgotten or not gotten to something, ship my things ahead of me, sell my bike back to the used bicycle shop on the way to the train station and be on my way to Tokyo well, well before the last train. God help me.

I'm also finding it difficult to judge, for example, if I should try to pack the rest of my jug of cold-water laundry detergent. I mean, Tokyo is supposed to have all sorts of things available that are much more difficult to find in the rest of Japan, but I'm gonna be pissed off and take it kindof hard if I throw away six months' worth of cold-water detergent only to find it's still only available on a fluke. But then it might also be pretty annoying to go to the trouble of taking it along if cold-water detergent is available in every third store... I've lived abroad long enough to prefer having more than enough ; but I've moved enough to appreciate cutting off any lose flesh I can. Conflict and conundrum.

As far as deciding what to keep or toss regarding work--I know only enough to know I don't know enough to make really good decisions, oh, and that there's no way for me to learn enough in the time and with the resources I do have.

For now, at least, I think I have plenty of boxes. And enough tape. Above these other concerns is making the decisions between what things I'll need and use (and possibly want) in the next month and therefor pack in the suitcases and what things are likely to be able to wait for six-ish weeks without making me regret it. Meh.

Some clouds, 12C (10C)

Moving [obligatory, obviously]
I packed some more, but it still feels like I haven't done much/enough. Messy apartment, you suck. I don't want to just pack the mess (I ended up doing a little bit of that leaving Kobe). But I also don't want to throw away something I shouldn't, or have things that ought to go together packed in separate boxes at separate times--which makes packing slower. So far I've only packed books, anyway ; and only found two to throw out...

I still need to decide/plan my Kobe farewell, including choosing a date for that. And I still want to see Hikone castle before I leave Kansai--which means, basically, this weekend. Meh! These things feel so stressful, right now!

Monday movie
I forgot to write about it, but I went to see TRON : Legacy on Monday. Since Biohazard 4 (the zombie franchise with the blonde chick...), the studios have already gotten better at 3D. I'm excited about POTC4 because it looks like another leap forward--but into the slightly cartoonish. Looks like their 2D-ing all the characters 3D in their environments like cutout animation... I think it'll be next winter before the really cool stuff starts coming out with that tech... Anyway, TRON was so full of allegory and allusion that it was hard to enjoy the effects, though some of them were pretty darn attention-getting. I like that it was intentionally shot in both 2D and 3D to help develop the separation of worlds. Though the contrast seemed off for most of the movie--I guess that's one con of costuming with flexible halogen...

Oh, and I can't use one of my free tickets for 3D movies, it seems, so I'm one stamp away from a third free ticket, now. Tokyo should have Warner Brothers MyCal Cinemas...

Contract for new job
My new contract came while I was at work, today. The soonest I can get it redelivered and be here to accept is Friday morning. That kind of sucks for them ; their first date to have it returned was this Friday--impossible without personally courier-ing it to them. The next date is the 28th, which they'll just have to settle for. I like that it's actually here just waiting to be delivered, since I started breaking the news to students/parents today.

Closing salutation
I think it's increasingly important to have my nightly meditation and prayer these days, so I'm off to do just that.

Partly sunny, 30C (36C)

Well, folks... I'm about to update my ICE post, try to skype mima one last time then finish packing and throw out whatever's left in the fridge. Having Internet at home again... is a dream I hope can come true in the very near future, but I just don't know...

Mostly cloudy, 29C (34C)
T = 0 day

I feel like Kobe is the new NOLA. :'-(

I feel kindof sad and lonely. And tired.

I want to find some happy anime to watch for a little while before I do more packing and throwing away. I didn't do much at the school--I wasn't asked to, and couldn't anyway because I was busy teaching--but it seems to have taken a toll, anyway.

I don't know if I'd rather cry or sleep right now.

I have too much crap. But I want to keep it. Maybe one day I'll let myself. But I don't think that day is today--nor shall it be tomorrow.

I just hope the next place will be good. God help me finish this well, and in good time.

Partly sunny, 30C (38C)
T = 0 day

So today is my last day teaching in Kobe. //insert frowny face

I thought I'd be able to make it through this week without any of my students crying. But then yesterday one of my classes (that had requested a tea party for their last lesson--how cool is that! I have two more such requests for today) let out but I forgot to give one of the students her last homework for me and I had to start the next class immediately. Just my luck, I heard her voice in the hall and ran out to return it to find this woman, who I actually admire a little bit, with her face covered in tears. Aww...

So packing at the school is basically done. I'll throw the last of my personal effects in my purse and the rest of whatever else in some boxes and shove them off to the side. And gently carry my Hitaro, who is of weak constitution when it comes to traveling. I'm taking my microwave with me, and leaving the school's old microwave here in the apartment. (My coworker is bringing her car to help me...) I got the repacking that I wanted at the apartment done last night. Tonight I should be able to mostly finish, and if I can't, I have tomorrow during the day--and that ought to be enough.

Ahh... money. Bah to that. I spent my book money on gifts in Kanazawa... Oh, well, I hope people like them I want to get books about children and their brains so I feel more prepared for me new job... Actually... maybe there is something I can use... indeed! And use it, I will! That's a nice bright spot!

Last night I also ordered my last pizza from Napoli Pizza. Of course, it was tasty. Tonight I'll have pasta and weiners. Tomorrow night I'll get something from the conbini after my things are taken away. The night after that I'll be in my new apartment, so I'm not sure what I'll do for food--probably something from a conbini and waiting for my things to arrive.

I'm on my way to almost being through this move. After that, I need to get through the next two weeks. God help me. I hope it's much better than I'm imagining...

Oh, and here's a Holy Fuck moment for the road : this is my 4th summer in Japan.

So I just got my contract, thank God, it's the fourth tier, which was the minimum I needed.

My Internet might not work when I get home, though, because of contracts between my company and the housing company changing.

Speaking of addresses, I still don't have my new one, but maybe that will change at some point, today...

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