![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Partly cloudy, 21C (22C)
Sure, headings...
Work
Things are horribly uncertain, except that I don't think they can last. Three strikes you're out. To keep my current payrate, I'll have to teach 37 lessons a week and under the new system lessons aren't scheduled more than a week in advance. There just isn't enough of what needs to be. It just isn't going to happen.
So what, now?
From here on out, I think I've got to be working on a foreshortened exit plan. This is going to suck. Why does my life constantly suck? Why am I at the bottom of any society I'm in? Stop. There was more I wanted to see and do, here, but I think I spent my time here the best I could. I need to acknowledge that I can't have everything I want.
And then what?
I'll have to forfeit the grad school application. I don't see three years of stable employment here. Maybe next time will work out? I'll have to pay the early disconnection fee for the Internet I just got installed--that's pretty expensive. Maybe I can leave without paying? Taxes are another potential problem. I should be able to leave without paying them but ever coming back will be more problematic. Another debt. Why can't I seem to live without accruing debt? I hate the feelings of guilt and shame that always come with it.
How long will it take?
So, it'll take about 6months, I think, if everything else works out, to leave (pared down, of course, because I'm always getting pared down). I can't really work out a formal budget because god only knows what I'll be getting paid. It could take longer (maybe 8 months), I could be ready sooner (maybe 4 months). I can only try to spend only enough to keep going. But the job is likely not to hold out that long. Oh, the reverse culture shock is going to be awful... I'll have to start preparing myself pretty soon...
Where will I go?
I have nowhere to go but to my mom's place, but I need to help her get into a place, first. This is going to suck. When I get back statesside, I'll try to get work at a convenience store, I guess, night-shift, I guess ; something I can't possibly make a career out of but that I can work myself at, subside and try to put something away for my next move, buy enough books and music to stay sane, try not to think, try to keep breathing. Try to be a good person in my adversity.
What will I do?
I'll apply to NYCTF, again. If that works out, I'll get my MA that way, work on things and try to get a job at a foreign university. If it doesn't work out, I'll apply to go overseas with another language school--maybe Berlitz, maybe Russia--apply for distance MA programs, then try to get a job at a foreign university. It'll probably take a year from when I get back, either way, just to know what direction I'm taking.
God, help me.
I know I've been told before. I know everybody saw it coming. I know drowning is my own fault when I stay on a sinking ship. I know now it's up to me to swim, or at least float. I know nothing and nobody can save me, so please, god, just help me. Help me do the best I can. I know it's not nearly so dramatic. It's just life. My life.
I don't know.
I finished the anime I was watching this morning. Now I don't know what to watch... hmm. Recommendations? Watching anime is better--in a wide array of ways--than drinking. So I'll try to lean that way. :-)
Sure, headings...
Work
Things are horribly uncertain, except that I don't think they can last. Three strikes you're out. To keep my current payrate, I'll have to teach 37 lessons a week and under the new system lessons aren't scheduled more than a week in advance. There just isn't enough of what needs to be. It just isn't going to happen.
So what, now?
From here on out, I think I've got to be working on a foreshortened exit plan. This is going to suck. Why does my life constantly suck? Why am I at the bottom of any society I'm in? Stop. There was more I wanted to see and do, here, but I think I spent my time here the best I could. I need to acknowledge that I can't have everything I want.
And then what?
I'll have to forfeit the grad school application. I don't see three years of stable employment here. Maybe next time will work out? I'll have to pay the early disconnection fee for the Internet I just got installed--that's pretty expensive. Maybe I can leave without paying? Taxes are another potential problem. I should be able to leave without paying them but ever coming back will be more problematic. Another debt. Why can't I seem to live without accruing debt? I hate the feelings of guilt and shame that always come with it.
How long will it take?
So, it'll take about 6months, I think, if everything else works out, to leave (pared down, of course, because I'm always getting pared down). I can't really work out a formal budget because god only knows what I'll be getting paid. It could take longer (maybe 8 months), I could be ready sooner (maybe 4 months). I can only try to spend only enough to keep going. But the job is likely not to hold out that long. Oh, the reverse culture shock is going to be awful... I'll have to start preparing myself pretty soon...
Where will I go?
I have nowhere to go but to my mom's place, but I need to help her get into a place, first. This is going to suck. When I get back statesside, I'll try to get work at a convenience store, I guess, night-shift, I guess ; something I can't possibly make a career out of but that I can work myself at, subside and try to put something away for my next move, buy enough books and music to stay sane, try not to think, try to keep breathing. Try to be a good person in my adversity.
What will I do?
I'll apply to NYCTF, again. If that works out, I'll get my MA that way, work on things and try to get a job at a foreign university. If it doesn't work out, I'll apply to go overseas with another language school--maybe Berlitz, maybe Russia--apply for distance MA programs, then try to get a job at a foreign university. It'll probably take a year from when I get back, either way, just to know what direction I'm taking.
God, help me.
I know I've been told before. I know everybody saw it coming. I know drowning is my own fault when I stay on a sinking ship. I know now it's up to me to swim, or at least float. I know nothing and nobody can save me, so please, god, just help me. Help me do the best I can. I know it's not nearly so dramatic. It's just life. My life.
I don't know.
I finished the anime I was watching this morning. Now I don't know what to watch... hmm. Recommendations? Watching anime is better--in a wide array of ways--than drinking. So I'll try to lean that way. :-)
Tags:
