sjcarpediem: (Default)
( Jul. 18th, 2010 11:52 pm)
Some clouds, 25C (26C)
T - 13 days

I totally whipped a llama's ass packing, today. Now I need to stop and back away from the boxes for a bit before I do myself some trauma. It's considerably less organized than last time, but I think the main task will still be accomplished sufficiently. Even if I don't get anything else done, tomorrow, I will be comfortable going to Gion Matsuri in the evening, should I have the gumption, and that was the main goal for today. Congratulations, me. I even got the two other pressed-wood bookshelves I wanted to ; so moving in to the next apartment I should at least be able to surround myself with my amniotic sac of books pretty much right away, at the very least. And let's face it : that's what matters in my present situation.

Overall, I would assess my progress at about 60-65% of the whole and 85-90% of what I won't be using in the next two weeks. If I can get that other 10-15% done tomorrow I will be a happy camper as far as progress goes. I promise. I should probably pick up some more boxes tomorrow, just so I don't get anxious about not having enough boxes, though I could probably just make it with what I have, now... I get neurotic like that at these times.

This whole situation seems a little crazy, though.

Listening to shiurim while packing, and doing a lot of thinking about fear/anger, etc, I keep thinking that one of the biggest roots of my "troubles" is that I think either I'm not doing enough or that others will assess me as not doing enough ; also it's not particularly clear to me if I'm really not doing enough because I could do more or because that much is really out of my hands. The distinctions are pretty important when it comes down to taking any sort of action but otherwise, yeah... generalized feelings of inadequacy, much? (Maybe a little something like this--but not totally, so don't think I'm self-diagnosing or anything, here--the key differences being I'm a victim of circumstance, here (though that arguably can't hold much water considering how long I've remained a 'victim') and that I'm friendly and engaging when spoken, to, I just don't initiate as much as I probably would 'normally' (a lot of that has to do with practical worries about language, though, and not so much social worries)...)
Some clouds, 23C (25C)
T - 14 days

OhMyGosh, I'm so tired. Usually, at the end of the week, as I lock up the school, I get a second wind. Not this week. I just feel worn down, chewed up and spit out. I feel like I've grown very weak and lazy. I need, need, need to be very productive tomorrow. I'll let myself rest tonight, but I need to get shit done tomorrow.

I still have no address. I don't even know what city I'll be living in. I'm two weeks out and nothing is decided. I don't have my address. I don't have my new contract. I don't trust the company. I'm in a bad situation and I can't get myself out.

I feel more and more strongly that this MA in TESOL is something I really need to do if I want to win myself some footing to stand on, to maybe build on. God help me, the road there, though, is so full of potholes and I've already tripped into one... Getting out depends on my new contract. Money, it's always money. Am I really living so far beyond my means? I find it difficult to fathom, but maybe I am... insert other angsty whining about money/-flow issues.

I was able to go to synagogue, again this week, but the new rabbi and his family got stuck in the US for some ridiculous visa bullshit--apparently foreigners now need American visas to change flights on US soil. What a joke.

But this week I gained what could be an insight to my character, or rather, an aspect of my character that needs correcting--which is a boon for me, because while I know I'm really far from anything resembling right or perfect it's very difficult to identify specific things to target and work on. But this week, my coworker asked me to do something that I usually do anyway, and couched it in a phrase such as, "if you have free time..." I did it, but I felt a strong urge to talk back and I felt offended and interfered with. Then I realized that there are kindof a lot of those sorts of reactions. I really feel like I own my time and I am displeased when someone else implies or suggests that some of it might not be. So I'm trying to determine what is the source. What is the character flaw that it springs from? Is it arrogance? Selfishness? Immaturity? Not caring enough for others? I'm still not entirely sure what it is, but I'm working on it.
Rainy, 18C (21C)

So thinking on it some more I was able to remember times I felt good as a person--they basically all revolve around demonstrated growth. Which is not really a middah, persay, so maybe I got the exercise wrong ; but that's what I'm going with for now.

I've got lots of plans at the moment ; I would try to be humble or realistic and hope to accomplish half of them, but really I want them all.

I'm watching Full Metal Alchemist : Brotherhood, now. It's awesomely exciting.

Also, maybe I'll try to go from Shanghai to Xi'an via a southerly route around Golden Week next year. I could try my hand at a few Mandarin travel phrases.... Or something like that.

I'm testing with an order of three books--I'm excited about reading them!

So far, all's clear with plans for Kanazawa at the end of next month.

This weekend I want to go back to Nara if the weather should be clear. Next weekend I want another soak in Arima hotsprings. I feel like my guts were improved a little since then. I've been hungry more times in the last two weeks than in the six months before...**

I found a proper desk and chair; now I just need to bite the bullet and buy them. So I can grow more. And more and more and more!

I also need to get some cosmetics, though. And in July I want to rejoin the go class (although I haven't been playing...).

In August I have to pay some back taxes to Kawanoe, though, plus everything else--and I still don't know for certain if I actually have a job then, or how much it pays.

mataku not having enough money really stinks....

Anyway, my average sleep over the last thirty days per night was at a whopping 8h21m yesterday, today it's 8h14m. Completely fucking ridiculous. But then, again, body is stupid. The average will be messed up for another month and a half, I'm sure, just because. I'll get the balance out of it later.

**I have a theory about my appetite but I've stopped myself writing about it a few times, now, as people from the first world aren't supposed to have those sorts of experiences.

On an aside, writing my fictionalized autobiography was becoming somewhat traumatic so I took a little break. I really think I need to base it in some historical-esque period or make it more fantasy-like in order for even my idealized version of my life to be more plausible... sasuga the spawn of the fish god and the god of wind, I guess...
Mostly cloudy, 19C (18C)

The "rainy season" (jp. "suuyu") starts tomorrow. But I feel like my own rainy season has already started. I was trying to do some mussar (hb. improvement?) work and came to the task of remembering two to four instances of feeling good as a person to examine them for the causes and thereby assess the underlying middot (hb. character traits)--these are meant to be interpreted as my strengths. I can use these to correct flaws in weak or damaged middot. They are important.

Except I can't remember any such experiences.... I can remember plenty of times that I've felt ashamed--most have to do with not honoring others enough, with being dishonest/not honest enough, or with wanting too much control (these are flawed or malfunctioning middot) ; though those are all old and wouldn't happen the same way, again, I am reasonably certain--but I can't remember feeling good as a person.

How fucked up do I have to be to not be able to remember feeling good as a person!? I have to have strengths. There's simply no possible way that I have only weaknesses ; it doesn't happen. Even the lowest of the low have some strength to use as a fulcrum against the other middot....

So now, on top of still trying but not being able to recall this, I also feel sad because it's really pathetic. I feel so overwhelmed and unmotivated by this setback. Even my happiness engine of gratitude isn't working. I want to just eat coal and die, or something. Or be able to advance ignoring it, somehow. But I'm miserable, and I know I'll continue to be miserable until I can remember feeling good. Not even forgetting will help.

I did lots of pleasurable things, today, too... but it's like I can't enjoy having done them because I haven't done this one thing that was set as a task that I failed at before I did these other things.


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