Light rainshower, 27C (33C)
T -20 days

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My dream was to feel safe/secure, loved/useful, and happy.  I haven't accomplished it.

On a related note, WTF, ppl, WTF?  I don't understand what I'm supposed to do with this pile of shit.  Am I supposed to play with it?  Am I supposed to shape it into something that doesn't look like shit (but still is)?  Am I supposed to try to transmute the shit into something that is not shit?  Am I supposed to try to stay as far away from the shit as possible?  Does the shit have a practical use or is it just decorative?  Can I give it away?  Can I sell it (and buy something else)?  Can I trade it up until I have a castle or an 8-course meal [Japaneseimported Chinese cultural reference]?

I do not understand.

But what I do understand is that I must be one horribly stupid example of a human being, to spend so much time and energy stuck feeling so unhappy and/or feeling so stuck in unhappiness.

God help me.

Oh, well I guess when I was a kid I also wanted to be the President.  Then I realized the President is relatively powerless and wanted to be the headmaster of a boarding school.  Then I wanted to be the queen of my own country.  While I was studying to become a linguist, for many, many moons I was pretty hell-bent on also becoming a neuroscientist and elucidating the actual neural process of learning--I even had some research planned using LSD.  I soon understood that I am not brilliant enough for either occupation.  Then I wanted to be a diplomat and an envoy working to solve the problems in the Middle East and helping to guide my country to more fully actualizing what it could be.  Then I wanted to be a free agent planning and managing development projects and consulting on government and social issues.  Now I have no dreams, really.  Or too many.  Except perhaps to possess unholy wealth and live in a castle that I have been designing for the better part of a decade with my legion of adopted and visiting scholars in our 36-hour-day-dome.  Something like that.

As I'm sure is obvious, none of those has come to fruition.  And probably never will.  Jus' sayin'.

Basically, I just want to do what I want to do.  Usually, the only thing stopping me is lack of funds.  So I also want a super-lucrative non-demanding position so that I can do what I want to do.  If you know of something, do let me know!

P.S.  I don't feel like packing.  AT ALL.

P.P.S.  On a bright note, I made some cupcakes in my spiffy microwave oven and they were actually edible!  Also, I've decided that I will take my spiffy microwave oven with me into the countryside.  And there is nothing anybody can do about it. And my bookshelves.


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