Disjointed

POURING, 20C (17C)

So I went to see 十三人の刺客 (The 13 Assassins), today, which is just an insane movie. While I was at the theatre I saw the flier for Russel Crowe's new Ridley Scott gig, Robin Hood. Can anyone explain to me how this will be any different from Gladiator? Other than the fact that Crowe is nearly a decade older, now, and therefore less agile? Anyway, back to Jyuusan-nin no Shikaku. Crazy movie. Since nobody reading this is likely to see it, I'll spoiler it by noticing out loud and publicly that the only d00ds to survive are the ones with girls they want to screw**. Thank you Japanese men-find-women-to-make-your-babies propaganda machine.

I just had a really hard time remembering that word, "propaganda". And I've been reading a ton of English recently (high English, too, not pulp English!), so that's really uncalled-for.

Before the movie, I thought I'd try what looks like it's supposed to be a German-style restaurant. But it wasn't. Like, it totally looks like a Stadthaus or Hoffenhaus or Staffenhaus or whatever (I can't remember much of my German at all, lately), but the food is definitely very Japanese and they were playing some crazy '50s and '60s Cuban music. The aesthetic discord was too much and I left before finishing my meal.

Also before the movie I went to a coffee bean shop with an extremely and puzzlingly limited array of foreign foodstuffs for sale in addition to roasted beans. For example, they have three kinds of German rye crackers and ten kinds of hard cheese but no soft cheeses and none that could go with the crackers, except perhaps some bleu cheese from Denmark, of all places. Also, they have two kinds of pita bread, but no hummus or even chickpeas in any form anywhere. Crazy. I bought nutella and celestial seasonings sleepytime tea.

I also got Read Real Japanese in what will probably turn out to be a[nother] misguided attempt to become literate. Misguided in that it won't result in literacy. It's been three years that I've been in this country, beating my thick skull against this language with varying intensity (let's not count that time at uni...). I can't help have the feeling that if I were going to achieve literacy, I'd have done it by now. That fills me with dread and disappointment. So I keep trying. Mostly. Because any idiot can see clearly that this is a literate society--maybe even hyperliterate by my native standards. I can't help but feel that I'm missing out on something awesome ; and I'm not about that sort of thing.

So I tried to avoid it but had to ride my bike home in the POURING rain. It wasn't so bad because I didn't have to go in anywhere and I rather like the night and the rain, though it does mean that I will have to dry my hair twice in one day which I find simply excessive.

Anyway, as soon as I didn't have to think about traffic, all I could think about was escape. In fact, I'm thinking about it, now. I want to run away. Far and fast. And I know that my earlier escape should have happened much sooner, if only it could have... meh... so I keep wondering in the background of all this, maybe I shouldn't try so hard to stick anything out...

I don't want to go to work tomorrow. Someone I know today was complaining about being bitter about work so he feels like he needs to take drastic action to keep from becoming mundane, such as becoming a couchsurfing mooch (which he calls "homeless", but I know from multiple experiences that "homelessness" is another beast entirely!). Oy.

So, yeah, this aversion to going to work is interfering with my plans to live every ounce and fiber of my life so it's all used up and gone (granted half in spite of life itself, but let's not squabble over petty details...). And, honestly, I don't get it. I took another skills/personality metric this weekend and, as usual, it says I should be a teacher. This is basically the ideal profession for me according to my strengths and character, and it seems to be one fate that I cannot escape, so I don't get what's so horribly wrong. The job isn't that bad, the kids aren't that bad. It's mystifying, really, why do I want so badly to run away? Where would I go, anyway? I feel like there's nowhere in the world I could go to hide from anything or discover anything, anyway...

I know that fulfillment in life is about using your talent(s) to help others/improve the world and propel your own growth. Theoretically, this is what's happening. But I don't feel fulfilled at all. Then again, I also don't know what my talents are and I'm pretty sure I don't have any. Anybody could do what I do, and most could do it better. Of this I have no doubt.

I watched a lot of TEDtalks this weekend, and saw a Tony Robbins talk. And started crying. Who the hell cries over Tony Robbins talks!? Emotionally unstable mofos such as myself, apparently. I don't get it. So I try to inquire of myself, 'if this isn't what's right or what you want, what would you rather?' And self has no answer at all. Which is frustrating because my reasoning goes : if you don't have any better ideas then stop the whining and contribute, already!

Anyway, perhaps I'll owe an apology for the abrupt ending, here, but I won't give it.

**Though to texturize it a bit more, I think it could be very interesting to understand one of them to actually be a ghost. Also, the survivors' commonality could be parsed as both being somewhat outlier to the "samurai" dogma through which the whole revenge plot takes place--participants rather than members. ...