sjcarpediem: (Default)
( Feb. 3rd, 2011 08:52 am)
Partly sunny, 3C (3C)

OHNOEZ! The raffle has been cancelled! Two days after it was supposed to be held! Now, where is my magical liberating windfall going to come from!?

I already started applying for parttime teaching jobs this week... wish me luck!

I need appliances and furniture! I want a savings account! I want to pay my taxes! I want to be able to afford my tuition once I finally get into graduate school (and for cantankerous reasons, student loans are not available)! I need to buy some new clothes as I keep losing weight! I have to keep buying traveler's health insurance! I want to repay my debts! God help me! It's overwhelming. And, as expected, the higher salary will be absorbed by the fact that I'm earning it in Tokyo. Even with a well-paying parttime job, I won't be able to afford all of that...

I've almost got the apartment, and it's a good deal--better than what most of my coworkers have--but it's still going to cost 1/3 of my salary (including the deposit for my company to guarantee me). 1/3! That's really dangerous! So I need to increase my income!! (Also, I still don't know just how much of my salary I'll be getting on payday...)

God, please let me see how everything works out for the best... In recent months I've been running into a lot of those writing/thinking prompts that ask you to imagine a time that you thought things worked out badly, but in hindsight, you see they worked out for the best so I've been thinking about this repeatedly over a longish period of time and I've found : I don't have times like those. What is that supposed to meeeaaan!?

I can't come up with a single time in my life when that's been the case : I am buffeted around by forces I can't control, try to land on my feet and when I don't I try to at least get onto them, I try to make the best of a situation and get the most out of it developmentally, practice being a good person as much as I can and just when I'm getting good at it, or just when I'm about to transition to the next thing, that old unforseeable wind blows again. It's never a matter of, "oh, it would have been better if that had worked out" just "that became an impossibility I couldn't surmount so I've tried to grow anyway"... While I may have picked up a thing or two on the alternate route, they don't really compare to what I would have gained if things had just gone my way. It's not that I don't appreciate what I have learned ; more like, I still appreciate what I wanted. Or something... I'm still working on that part of my personality, though. So, one day, maybe I'll have a proper answer for those kinds of prompts...

Speaking of Tokyo. It's not Kansai. This is kindof sad. It makes me feel kindof lonely and more out-of-place than usual because I haven't really found things I like to do here, or ways to do the things I've enjoyed in the past. And I won't be able to start looking, really, for quite a while, still. It's going to be hard. March may not be so difficult, but February is going to suck. July, August, September, October, November, December, January, and now February, too... I hope the suck ends with February. God help me.

Oh, but also speaking of Tokyo, later this month I'm going with a bunch of junior high school kids to various sights and attractions around town--so maybe that'll be fun! :-)


sjcarpediem: (Default)

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