cold and precipitating

I've stayed up beyond late for the second time in a week. I've been trying to sleep for over an hour and a half, now, but nothing's working. My mind is too crowded with memories for that. From HS.3--when I was at college doing my senior year after skipping junior, of my friends then, or at least, some of the people I spent a lot of my time with.... Maybe I miss them a little?

And of that guy who was always hanging out in that shade of that tree behind the language department with that teacher of mine, the one who said I irked him, that I shouldn't walk around looking worried because I was just sunshine and warmth anyway ; that's what the teacher said, but the boy I always wanted to talk to more and always wanted to know more about--like why he'd say something as absurd to me as "ich du liebst" and then why he'd say it and then walk off somewhere... For years and years I still daydreamt of running into him somewhere on this planet of ours.

Skipping class for mini-golf or going to the lake ; working at the movie theatre ; backstage at the college theatre ; summer plays in Ashland ; chicken nuggets at the campus cafeteria ; my campaign and term as a shared governance officer ; passing around game programs on our calculators in calculus ; virtually always having somewhere to be, or someone to be being with, always something to do ; usw....

Those are my "high school" memories, mostly. I have others from the time I was actually at the high school, and others from when I was in ninth grade at the middle school in Arizona... but those aren't really what I think of when I think of "high school"... I think that's why I can never really feel satisfied or enjoy myself unless I'm crazy busy. Because that's how I was allowed to be, then...

I feel a little nostalgic about those memories, and a little sad that I don't know any of those people any more. That they don't know me. It makes me wonder if I'm worth knowing now, if I was worth it then or only imagined it all. But also when I think back, I sometimes have the sense of losing something I never actually had--I mean, I can hardly remember ppls' faces, just something like their energy signatures. It all sounds so much better than it was with a little distance... Just how distant am I, now, and in what direction?

I want to be warm and shiny--like the sunshine I supposedly was anyway--and be satisfied enough to enjoy it myself, by myself. I wonder if I'll ever reach that level. What does the future have in store for me? Will the future ever wash away these pasts? Maybe if I can get to sleep I'll find an answer...
Light rain, 7C (6C)

I got some really restless sleep from around 6AM to 10AM... interrupted by weird dreams and a rather many and frequent aftershocks. I woke up feeling a little feverish and... weird. The weirdness has lingered all day, but it's about time to shake it off.

I've begun modifying my peanut butter somewhat : adding vanilla extract, especially if it's going on/with banana is simply fantastic. There are whole new dimensions of pleasure, there, ppl! Try it! Rum oil is not so tasty, and I haven't tried almond because I feel like mixing nut-oils like that has got to be somehow wrong on some level....

Last night I made orange chicken (with fresh oranges because along with toilet paper there are no can openers... shipments of fujisan apples from Aomori and eggs from Tottori have resumed, though...). It was pretty darn tasty ; if I do say so, myself!

Momentarily I will begin a concoction of "my own" invention (in the details, only) : Lemon-garlic-ginger-sesame chicken. With black-ear mushrooms. And some strange leaf-like vegetable I'm not entirely sure how to prepare. I guess I'll steam it. Tomorrow's main meal will involve some beef, probably in a teriyaki-like sauce (with ginger--I grated a whole root, okay?--and garlic--I put garlic in almost everything, it's good for your immune system) and a tomato and cucumber cold salad and probably some kind of spinach treatment... Maybe I'll put sesame on that as well. Drat! I just remembered that I forgot to get a carrot.... feh!

While cooking I'll listen to a shiur about peace of mind and wholesome thinking--it's ideas are supposed to lend strength in times of frustration with one's relationship with god. Not that I'm really feeling particularly frustrated with my relationship with god right now, but these sorts of things are better pursued as preparation than as treatments.

Then I'll watch some crack anime. Because it should be amusing. And crack is good for the soul. Today, I'll be consuming Muteki Kanban Musume. Tanoshimishimasu you ni... Last night I watched Kuragehime--which was spectacularly entertaining and left me feeling warm and fuzzy inside. I literally laughed out loud several times. Laughing out loud is very good for the respiration. I get so many of the jokes and references in a lot of the anime I watch, now. That makes me happy. Even if I haven't studied any Japanese in two weeks.

Which reminds me ; I want to register for JLPT this summer sometime this week. Maybe with some pressure I'll take things more seriously..?


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