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Mostly cloudy, 19C (18C)
The "rainy season" (jp. "suuyu") starts tomorrow. But I feel like my own rainy season has already started. I was trying to do some mussar (hb. improvement?) work and came to the task of remembering two to four instances of feeling good as a person to examine them for the causes and thereby assess the underlying middot (hb. character traits)--these are meant to be interpreted as my strengths. I can use these to correct flaws in weak or damaged middot. They are important.
Except I can't remember any such experiences.... I can remember plenty of times that I've felt ashamed--most have to do with not honoring others enough, with being dishonest/not honest enough, or with wanting too much control (these are flawed or malfunctioning middot) ; though those are all old and wouldn't happen the same way, again, I am reasonably certain--but I can't remember feeling good as a person.
How fucked up do I have to be to not be able to remember feeling good as a person!? I have to have strengths. There's simply no possible way that I have only weaknesses ; it doesn't happen. Even the lowest of the low have some strength to use as a fulcrum against the other middot....
So now, on top of still trying but not being able to recall this, I also feel sad because it's really pathetic. I feel so overwhelmed and unmotivated by this setback. Even my happiness engine of gratitude isn't working. I want to just eat coal and die, or something. Or be able to advance ignoring it, somehow. But I'm miserable, and I know I'll continue to be miserable until I can remember feeling good. Not even forgetting will help.
I did lots of pleasurable things, today, too... but it's like I can't enjoy having done them because I haven't done this one thing that was set as a task that I failed at before I did these other things.
The "rainy season" (jp. "suuyu") starts tomorrow. But I feel like my own rainy season has already started. I was trying to do some mussar (hb. improvement?) work and came to the task of remembering two to four instances of feeling good as a person to examine them for the causes and thereby assess the underlying middot (hb. character traits)--these are meant to be interpreted as my strengths. I can use these to correct flaws in weak or damaged middot. They are important.
Except I can't remember any such experiences.... I can remember plenty of times that I've felt ashamed--most have to do with not honoring others enough, with being dishonest/not honest enough, or with wanting too much control (these are flawed or malfunctioning middot) ; though those are all old and wouldn't happen the same way, again, I am reasonably certain--but I can't remember feeling good as a person.
How fucked up do I have to be to not be able to remember feeling good as a person!? I have to have strengths. There's simply no possible way that I have only weaknesses ; it doesn't happen. Even the lowest of the low have some strength to use as a fulcrum against the other middot....
So now, on top of still trying but not being able to recall this, I also feel sad because it's really pathetic. I feel so overwhelmed and unmotivated by this setback. Even my happiness engine of gratitude isn't working. I want to just eat coal and die, or something. Or be able to advance ignoring it, somehow. But I'm miserable, and I know I'll continue to be miserable until I can remember feeling good. Not even forgetting will help.
I did lots of pleasurable things, today, too... but it's like I can't enjoy having done them because I haven't done this one thing that was set as a task that I failed at before I did these other things.
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