I know I'm forgetting something...

[sjcarpediem]

Partly sunny, 28C (31C)

So, it's the rainy season so it's usually unbearably muggy but today is not all bad, I guess.

Anyway, more about the "fictauto" ("fictionalized autobiography"). Of course there are a few problems and I'll probably mostly abandon it
(at least in it's originally imagined form). See :

1. existential pointlessness of starting a story with no ending ; also I personally find this distasteful
2. it seems to me that my life mostly peters out once I realize I'll survive my 20th birthday without the intervention of some catastrophe--or as the case shows, even with it
3. Western stories need happy endings, Japanese stories need wholly unsurprising last-sentence "twists" which render the whole exercise moot ; I'm torn
4. high technology plus "primitive" society, huh?
5. etc

So I have this half-imagined architectural and social hierarchy theme and about half of the cast (some key members of which are allegorical), and major structural issues with everything. I think I should try the method tested by numerous writers of many cultures and do a short story first, to see what happens.

Oh, and I'm kindof sick of my own writing already. Sounds flat, or something. Maybe because I secretly hate my subject. So I kindof want to use the society and supporting cast I've thought up, but I don't want to use the main--because however I try to manipulate her in my head she is a hateful creature of uselessness and unfulfilled promise. What to do.... Maybe I could try to make that the point... that would be very French of me ; only without the saving moral quality.

On another note I'll be renegotiating my plans. I fucking hate that. But I was in a conversation the other day through which I was forced to re-realize that I still don't know if I have a job at all after July so I ought not do some things just yet that I really, really, want to. I hate holding off on plans ; too much opportunity for them to completely fall off the table--like with my plan for a new mattress ; still haven't got that. Probably won't.

But for now, anyway, it's better to remain more liquid (not like 1manen is really gonna help me if I find myself unemployed in a foreign country, but I don't see it hurting me, either--and 1manen could certainly be decisive if it mean the difference between one thing and another, obviously in combination with other-manen...).

P.S. seriously, nobody, not even my grandma, is the slightest bit worried about me. Not like I really want them to be worried about me, but isn't it a social custom to express concern? That means that either everyone has completely overestimated my reliability or that nobody could care less. I'm not entirely sure which is worse...

Bah, shit, I've got to get ready for work....

Comments

[tsubasa-en11.livejournal.com]

Not in your case, just speak from my experience. Sometimes people cease caring others because of many possibilities. One is that they're tired, they've lots of annoyances themselves, too; one is that they don't think that person they care for appreciate their care, that they don't want to waste their time on that person anymore; one is that the person who thinks people care for them is just fake and not genuine so people tired of it and just let that person thinks forever like that...there are many other possibilities i think...

[sjcarpediem.livejournal.com]

Well, there are lots of reasons people don't care for one another--lots of "non-reasons" also. It's not really a problem. ;-)