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Cloudy, 23C (26C)
T -20 days
So I'm in a shitty mood. Akiramerou. What the hell is wrong with me to perpetually have such a bad attitude, even (or even especially!) when I'm trying to hard not to!?
Tomorrow I'm going to Nara. I'll meet another human being there and behave like a human being, myself. It'll be good. There'll be no existential/spiritual angst and I won't fret about the future, much less express any of that. I'll also have fun. It'll be fun. I'll enjoy being alive--because being alive is supposed to be a good and enjoyable thing.
On the train I'll read my new book, which doesn't remind me of how utterly disconnected I am from anything remotely interesting or exciting in humanity or the world. No, not at all. It's purely a fascinating book.
I won't think about how the more I try to avoid being mediocre, the more mediocre I become.
I won't dwell on wanting to drink a box of wine while packing on the way home, either.
And to all that end, I'll take some Tylenol PM in a bit to make sure I'm passed out in a few hours and not restlessly doing whatever I can think of to distract myself. Seriously, though, when do I get to stop being such a fucked-up individual?
Recently I read an article that made me think that if I wasn't constantly under this kind of stress, from work and myself and whatever else happens to get in the way, I would probably die. As things are, my blood pressure is below average. Possible suicide method? Maybe. But there's always the problem of the body... //smirk
I would say I'm thankful that no part of my body is in active pain, but recent trends suggest that as soon as I express gratitude for something, it's snatched away.
Also I recently had some thoughts... I used to say all the time, whenever shit was not working in my life--which was all the time--that it was because God hates me. It was logically perfect. I've been trying not to say it for the last four-ish years. It's actually really, really hard, sometimes. Anyway, so reading I'm doing for the Three Weeks reminded me of that... I'm kindof pissy right now so I probably won't bother trying to explain it any more than that.
T -20 days
So I'm in a shitty mood. Akiramerou. What the hell is wrong with me to perpetually have such a bad attitude, even (or even especially!) when I'm trying to hard not to!?
Tomorrow I'm going to Nara. I'll meet another human being there and behave like a human being, myself. It'll be good. There'll be no existential/spiritual angst and I won't fret about the future, much less express any of that. I'll also have fun. It'll be fun. I'll enjoy being alive--because being alive is supposed to be a good and enjoyable thing.
On the train I'll read my new book, which doesn't remind me of how utterly disconnected I am from anything remotely interesting or exciting in humanity or the world. No, not at all. It's purely a fascinating book.
I won't think about how the more I try to avoid being mediocre, the more mediocre I become.
I won't dwell on wanting to drink a box of wine while packing on the way home, either.
And to all that end, I'll take some Tylenol PM in a bit to make sure I'm passed out in a few hours and not restlessly doing whatever I can think of to distract myself. Seriously, though, when do I get to stop being such a fucked-up individual?
Recently I read an article that made me think that if I wasn't constantly under this kind of stress, from work and myself and whatever else happens to get in the way, I would probably die. As things are, my blood pressure is below average. Possible suicide method? Maybe. But there's always the problem of the body... //smirk
I would say I'm thankful that no part of my body is in active pain, but recent trends suggest that as soon as I express gratitude for something, it's snatched away.
Also I recently had some thoughts... I used to say all the time, whenever shit was not working in my life--which was all the time--that it was because God hates me. It was logically perfect. I've been trying not to say it for the last four-ish years. It's actually really, really hard, sometimes. Anyway, so reading I'm doing for the Three Weeks reminded me of that... I'm kindof pissy right now so I probably won't bother trying to explain it any more than that.