Writer's Block: Where I want to be

Light rainshower, 27C (33C)
T -20 days

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My dream was to feel safe/secure, loved/useful, and happy.  I haven't accomplished it.

On a related note, WTF, ppl, WTF?  I don't understand what I'm supposed to do with this pile of shit.  Am I supposed to play with it?  Am I supposed to shape it into something that doesn't look like shit (but still is)?  Am I supposed to try to transmute the shit into something that is not shit?  Am I supposed to try to stay as far away from the shit as possible?  Does the shit have a practical use or is it just decorative?  Can I give it away?  Can I sell it (and buy something else)?  Can I trade it up until I have a castle or an 8-course meal [Japaneseimported Chinese cultural reference]?

I do not understand.

But what I do understand is that I must be one horribly stupid example of a human being, to spend so much time and energy stuck feeling so unhappy and/or feeling so stuck in unhappiness.

God help me.

Oh, well I guess when I was a kid I also wanted to be the President.  Then I realized the President is relatively powerless and wanted to be the headmaster of a boarding school.  Then I wanted to be the queen of my own country.  While I was studying to become a linguist, for many, many moons I was pretty hell-bent on also becoming a neuroscientist and elucidating the actual neural process of learning--I even had some research planned using LSD.  I soon understood that I am not brilliant enough for either occupation.  Then I wanted to be a diplomat and an envoy working to solve the problems in the Middle East and helping to guide my country to more fully actualizing what it could be.  Then I wanted to be a free agent planning and managing development projects and consulting on government and social issues.  Now I have no dreams, really.  Or too many.  Except perhaps to possess unholy wealth and live in a castle that I have been designing for the better part of a decade with my legion of adopted and visiting scholars in our 36-hour-day-dome.  Something like that.

As I'm sure is obvious, none of those has come to fruition.  And probably never will.  Jus' sayin'.

Basically, I just want to do what I want to do.  Usually, the only thing stopping me is lack of funds.  So I also want a super-lucrative non-demanding position so that I can do what I want to do.  If you know of something, do let me know!

P.S.  I don't feel like packing.  AT ALL.

P.P.S.  On a bright note, I made some cupcakes in my spiffy microwave oven and they were actually edible!  Also, I've decided that I will take my spiffy microwave oven with me into the countryside.  And there is nothing anybody can do about it. And my bookshelves.

Meh

Cloudy, 23C (26C)
T -20 days

So I'm in a shitty mood. Akiramerou. What the hell is wrong with me to perpetually have such a bad attitude, even (or even especially!) when I'm trying to hard not to!?

Tomorrow I'm going to Nara. I'll meet another human being there and behave like a human being, myself. It'll be good. There'll be no existential/spiritual angst and I won't fret about the future, much less express any of that. I'll also have fun. It'll be fun. I'll enjoy being alive--because being alive is supposed to be a good and enjoyable thing.

On the train I'll read my new book, which doesn't remind me of how utterly disconnected I am from anything remotely interesting or exciting in humanity or the world. No, not at all. It's purely a fascinating book.

I won't think about how the more I try to avoid being mediocre, the more mediocre I become.

I won't dwell on wanting to drink a box of wine while packing on the way home, either.

And to all that end, I'll take some Tylenol PM in a bit to make sure I'm passed out in a few hours and not restlessly doing whatever I can think of to distract myself. Seriously, though, when do I get to stop being such a fucked-up individual?

Recently I read an article that made me think that if I wasn't constantly under this kind of stress, from work and myself and whatever else happens to get in the way, I would probably die. As things are, my blood pressure is below average. Possible suicide method? Maybe. But there's always the problem of the body... //smirk

I would say I'm thankful that no part of my body is in active pain, but recent trends suggest that as soon as I express gratitude for something, it's snatched away.

Also I recently had some thoughts... I used to say all the time, whenever shit was not working in my life--which was all the time--that it was because God hates me. It was logically perfect. I've been trying not to say it for the last four-ish years. It's actually really, really hard, sometimes. Anyway, so reading I'm doing for the Three Weeks reminded me of that... I'm kindof pissy right now so I probably won't bother trying to explain it any more than that.